Dear Divine Advice,
I’ve been reading your column since the early 90’s. If I remember correctly, didn’t it used to be advice from Superman and Lex Luthor? Whatever happened to those guys?
Superman and Lex Luthor did fill in for us for a few months back in the early 90’s, I was in serious need of some personal time. Being The All Powerful All Knowing King of Heaven and Earth can be stressful. In any case, I had to let Superman and Lex Luthor go, primarily because of Superman. If you haven’t already noticed, Superman doesn’t exactly have the largest skill set when it comes to solving problems. He either punches his problems really hard, burns his problems with his heat vision, or throws his problems into outer space, and Lex Luthor always agreed with him. There was never any conflict, and that makes for dull reading. Take this example from November 1992:
My cat Tildy is stuck up in a tree? Please help me!
Dear Little Timmy,
What you should do is climb the tree, gently remove Tildy by the scruff of her neck, and throw her into the sun. That’s the only way to be sure you won’t have this problem again.
Dear Little Timmy,
I agree with Superman 100%. No matter how badly the world might be getting you down, remember: there is virtually no problem that cannot be solved by throwing it into the sun. Your Grandma Barb who had breast cancer, I know she had a double mastectomy and has been in remission for over 10 years, but can you really be sure the cancer will never come back? Superman, superpowered alien that he is, sometimes forgets that it’s difficult for us mere mortals to throw whatever problems we have into the sun. So remember, if Tildy or Grandma are too heavy for you, you can always just smother them with pillows.
So ComicBookSexyDude69, you can see why I had to let them go.
—Jesus the Almighty
What Jesus the “Almighty” wrote is true for the most part, but I need you to ask yourself a question: Do you think that Jesus could write back to you from inside the sun? Because that’s exactly where he’d be if he ever tried to fire Superman. What really happened, this article used to be written by Superman and Marlon Brando. They didn’t get along too well, so guess what happened to Marlon Brando? And then it was Superman and Dr. Ruth. And then Superman and Taylor Dayne. Don’t remember Taylor Dayne? Well she had a sun-related accident right after the brief pinnacle of her career. The decision was made to bring me in to replace Taylor Dayne. They convinced Superman that hell is basically the same as being inside the sun anyway, and they promised him I wouldn’t give him any trouble. Superman “suggested” I use the nom de plume “Lex Luthor”, and I happily did so until he quit. There was some argument as to whether or not we could get Jesus to replace him, Superman told us not to worry about it and Jesus has been answering letters ever since. As far as what happened to Superman, people still seem to believe in him and pray to him, but he isn’t ever around anymore. Sound like anyone else you know?
—Satan the Mack of the Underworld
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.