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Divine Advice For Cap’n Crunch

March 13, 2022 0 Divine Advice , , , , ,

Photo by Panatenda

Deary DA, I’ve been the captain of the S.S. Guppy since 1963, which is so long the years kind of blur together. I’ve seen war, plague, pirates, and monstrous ocean creatures only you could have conceived of. Still, after nearly 60 years of service, I get no respect. Yes, I only wear the bars of a commander, but that’s because I’ve been too busy for a fancy bit of stitch work. I should be an admiral by now goddammit! An Admiral! But make no mistake, everyone on my crew knows who’s boss. Insubordination is punished with the lash, and I will kill a man if he even hints at mutiny. My savagery is detested by some, but what you cereal munching fools have to realize is that the existential war for the American Empire is never over. I have sacrificed more than just blood, sweat, and tears. I have sacrificed…
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Divine Advice For Ariana Grande

December 2, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , ,

Original photo by Emma

Dear DA, You ever see the episode of The Twilight Zone where the lady rubs cream on her face that makes her young and beautiful, but every time it wears off, she’s like super old and even uglier, so she has to keep using it like every four hours or something or she’ll turn into a deformed old troll if she stops? Yeah, that. And Disney also has me on these puberty-blocking hormones so I have the body of an 11-year old even though I’m really 103 (long story). So I’m stuck in this weird place where I have grey pubic hair and no boobs and I have to keep smearing this cream all over myself or I’ll turn into a ghost, and the cream is like $79 a bucket and all I have are these e-coins. I guess this is the price of pop perfection, and the deal I…
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