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Divine Advice For Iranian Drone

July 22, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, Do I get my 72 virgins? I’m not really a military drone, but through my sacrifice, I probably saved thousands (or at least dozens) of lives. I know that technically, I’m supposed to be suiciding myself to kill people, so I don’t know if saving people counts. It seems like it should count even more, like if you know you’re a drain on society like an old Eskimo (or excuse me, Inuit) woman so you just wander off into the tundra to die instead of being a burden on your family. They deserve 72 virgins, too. Maybe I’m writing to the wrong deity, or maybe the right one? Whichever deity is the best as far as giving virgins to drones who save lives instead of taking them, that’s the deity for me. Some sheik ordered me from Amazon to pick up his mail. To be fair, he has…
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Divine Advice For Bernie Sanders

January 28, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
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