H. Seitz
September 24, 2016
Divine Advice
Jesus, Satan
Dear Divine Advice, This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes. I work as an enforcer for a major east coast drug syndicate. I was running late and I wasn’t paying attention to the road as much as I should have been. Long story short: I killed an innocent woman on my way to work. Being who I am and knowing what I know, I ‘took care’ of the body. I just don’t need that kind of attention in my life. Hitting her with my car was an accident, but to tell the honest truth, she wasn’t completely dead after that, so I kind of helped her along. My questions are as follows: is this murder? I’m pretty sure she would’ve died anyway, her body was pretty mangled. Put it this way: if she was a horse or a dog, any decent vet or trainer would have put her down,…
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RK Galaga
September 18, 2016
Divine Advice
Kevin James, Stephanie Anna Marie Zantua
Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it. Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve got a major problem here. Last night at a parent-teacher conference, I accidentally fell in love with my kid’s math teacher and grabbed her tits. Not exactly in that order, but both of those things happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what came over me. I was sitting across from Miss Allison at her desk as she was beaming about how my son was by far the brightest kid in her class, and the whole time, I just couldn’t stop staring at her cleavage. Her face is pretty, too—nice milky skin, bright red hair, nearly symmetrical eyes, full lips and nerdy hipster glasses. Because she was giving me good news about my kid,…
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RK Galaga
September 8, 2016
Movies and Television, Reviews
Brie Larson, J.J. Abrams, John C. Reilly, John Goodman, King Kong, Kong: Skull Island, Robert Zemeckis, Samuel L. Jackson, The Walk, Tom Hiddleston
Disclaimer: This website, The Skull Island Times, is in no way affiliated with the film reviewed below. Spoiler alert: King Kong doesn’t die in the end. That should be obvious—unless Kong was a zombie in the original 1933 film. Really, though, nothing is obvious these days. Thanks to directors such as J.J. Abrams, the lines between remake, reboot, prequel and sequel have become so blurred that anything can happen withwhat we once thought was canon. Anyway, rest assured, King Kong doesn’t die in Kong: Skull Island. But he does get amnesia after being bonked in the head by a giant coconut. Until that point in the film, Kong speaks with a British accent and aspires to move to Hollywood so he can become a movie star. However, after losing his smarts in the coconut accident, he only makes it as far as Detroit. This film is set in the 1970’s,…
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H. Seitz
August 29, 2016
Fiction
Derek Jeter, Milwaukee Brewers
Playing for the New York Yankees, that would be a dream come true. Playing for the Milwaukee Brewers, that was like having a wet dream about your wife. The women perked up and the men on the other side of the room deflated as Dobbs walked in. He was 6’3” and built like a sprinter. A plump woman with a clipboard waved him over and had him pick a card out of a hat, then told him to stand with the other men. Dobbs thought about the game last night. He had been staring at a pretty girl in the stands. The catcher had noticed and picked him off, which is pretty unforgivable for a pinch runner. His only job was to not get picked off. He couldn’t hit, he couldn’t throw, and he could barely bunt. All he could do was run fast and supposedly be smart on the…
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RK Galaga
August 27, 2016
Movies and Television, Reviews
Amy Poehler, Burger Time, Christian Bale, Don Cheadle, Macaulay Culkin
Sometimes Hollywood takes a break from rehashing old movies in order to make movie rehashes of popular video games instead. Most of the time these are based on action games, either involving zombies or big-breasted women with long braids. These modern games have life-like graphics and storyline formats that can keep addicts engaged for so long that they forget how to eat and piss. The stories they tell can easily be adapted into nice boring movies with over-the-top CGI effects. Old-school games, on the other hand, usually just feature a bunch of awkwardly moving shapes performing menial tasks. These tasks are often so nonsensical that it is hard to imagine how they could be turned into a coherent movie. What you should basically expect is that, aside from the title of the film and the names of some of the characters, the movie won’t have anything to do with the…
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RK Galaga
August 20, 2016
Movies and Television, Reviews
Autobot, Christopher Walken, Cy-Kill, Decepticon, Gobots, Guardians, Katie Perry, Leader-1, Michael Cera, Napster, One Crazy Summer, Renegades, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Scooter, The Bounty Hunter, Transformers
Gobots were Transformers knock-offs which you got for your birthday when people were too cheap to by you Transformers. They were silly toys, and they inspired an even more preposterous cartoon. Fortunately, the new live-action movie doesn’t contain a single bit of animation, CGI or otherwise. Director Philip Seymour Hoffman once again defies expectations with his insistence on using people in foam costumes to play the rolls of shape-shifting robots. Yes, it is people in costumes even when they are in vehicle form. Even when other people are riding inside the vehicles. Retired professional wrestler Ricky ‘The Dragon” Steamboat makes his big-screen debut starring as the cleverly named Leader-1, leader of the Guardians (Gobot version of Autobots). For people who were fans of his work inside the squared circle, this performance will knock your slippers off. Who would have thought Steamboat could bring the house down with impeccable comic timing…
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H. Seitz
August 14, 2016
Fiction
Grandpa
Photo by Willy Verhulst
Grandpa sat at the table poking at his turkey. It was too dry, but he would never complain about it. It was food, and food was for eating, and if you had food, you were a pretty lucky guy. But still, it was too dry. It was too dry every Thanksgiving. Wendy just wasn’t a very good cook and her husband Ron was an idiot. The kids, Sam and Josie, were also idiots. They looked like they were about college aged. There was still a slim chance they’d grow out of it, but most people grew more and more into it. Grandpa remembered when Wendy was still a child. She had been such a sweet, intelligent girl, and now she was a robotic harpy. A robotic harpy married to an idiot, and she still didn’t know how to cook a turkey. “Ron, what are you doing?” “You said to start…
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RK Galaga
August 11, 2016
Movies and Television, Reviews
Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Ghost, Jerry Zucker, Patrick Swayze, Road House, Rumer Willis, Sam Elliot, Vincent Schiavelli, Whoopi Goldberg
The 1990 romantic hit Ghost is exactly the type of movie one expects to be remade right about now in this cultural wasteland we call the twenty-first century. So when director Jerry Zucker told the world he was making a sequel instead of a reboot, most of us were a little shocked. When he said he was bringing back Patrick Swayze to play the lead, we were more than shocked—mostly because Patrick Swayze has been dead since 2009. So how did he do it? “None of your damn business” is what Zucker tells anyone who asks. Rumer has it that Whoopi Goldberg can actually summon the dead, but what the hell does Rumer Willis know? Just because both of her parents are in this movie doesn’t mean she knows how they summoned Patrick Swayze’s departed soul. Anyway, as one would imagine, a movie starring an actual ghost is pretty fucking…
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H. Seitz
August 8, 2016
Fiction
Phil needed a cigarette. Or maybe a snort of ketamine. Being a veterinarian had its perks. He had always loved animals, or at least liked them more than people. Unfortunately, the animals who came in for care tended to have owners, and those owners were always people. He took off his gloves and started to wash up when there was a rap at his door. Katie opened it and stuck her head in before he could answer. She consulted her clipboard as she spoke. “We’ve got a walk in, she says it’s an emergency. Missy Burrell.” “Is that the cat’s name or the owner’s?” “It’s the owner’s name. And it’s a dalmatian, not a cat.” “What kind of a name is ‘Missy’?” “A cat’s name?” “What kind of an emergency is it?” “She wouldn’t tell me. She said it was confidential.” Great. A nutcase. And it was already well past…
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H. Seitz
August 4, 2016
Fiction
H. Seitz, The Boss
The boss sat at his desk drinking tepid instant coffee. He wasn’t self-aware when he could avoid it, but he was a having a moment and not enjoying it. His intercom buzzed. The boss groaned and pushed the intercom button. “Mable?” “Alex is here to see you.” The boss removed his finger from the intercom button. “For the love of god.” He pushed the button again. “Send her in.” Alex entered and the boss gestured for her to sit down. She smiled awkwardly and took a seat. The boss knew he had to be very careful not to speak or behave naturally. “I know you’re busy, and I’m sorry to bother you.” Does she really know that, and is she really sorry? He wondered. “It’s just that, well . . .” The boss felt something inside of himself break and begin to dissolve. “Alex, I hope you know that…
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