Aries
You ever get the feeling that your life is going nowhere because of a few pivotal mistakes you made when you were too young to know any better? There’s a good reason for that. But if it’s any consolation, your life wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway. They tend not to nowadays.
Taurus
What kind of person chooses the President over their own friends and family? Just think about that for a few seconds. You. Chose a guy. You do not know. Who does not care about you. Over your friends and family. Who actually do care about you. Or did.
Gemini
The good news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. The bad news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. Some more good news: your second term will only last three months. Once you default on your Chinese loans, Civil War II will lead to WW3, which will lead to Planet of the Cats in about 3,000,000 years. And who doesn’t like cats? If it’s any consolation, they’re going to be big on slavery.
Cancer
It’s funny how life kind of stops once you’re living in your mother’s basement again, eh? All those ups and downs and then more downs and then that one kinda big down and then there you are.
Leo
If it’s any consolation, your friends who never got married regret not getting married. But they don’t regret not having to pay alimony or take care of all those damn children. If you’d just stayed single, you could have retired a millionaire by now. But instead, you have two houses on their third mortgages and are about one month away from personal anarchy.
Virgo
People stop caring about each other much younger nowadays, so in a way, you were a trailblazer.
Libra
Ah, Libra. The forgotten, middle sign. And for good reason.
Scorpio
You ever see the movie about the guy who refuses to quit no matter what and you think it’s going to have a happy ending but it’s one of those movies and he dies alone and heartbroken in a culvert being eaten by feral cats? Yeah.
Sagittarius
You must be dead. Someone with your combination of unwarranted arrogance, no marketable skills, and social blindness just hasn’t got a chance. Either that or you’re homeless, which is actually worse than being dead. It’s like being a ghost who’s stuck on earth for no reason.
Capricorn
You’re the kind of person people are shocked hasn’t been murdered yet. It isn’t that you’re particularly evil as much as you’re just so fucking annoying. Every social gathering, you just suck the life right out of it. And reading this won’t slow you down a bit. You know it’s true in your heart, but refuse to accept it or work on it. And this is why you can never poo.
Aquarius
Without your youthful good looks, you’ve become bitter and lost your charm, too. Those were your only good qualities, and now they’re gone forever. You could pretend to be taking it in stride, but that would just smack of desperation. Without those good looks, or at least the youthfulness, the charm just seems phony. Maybe it always was.
Pisces
You’re the kind of person who got jealous of your infant children for getting more attention than you. Later, when they were six or seven, you got even more jealous that they were smarter than you. Now that you’re old, you’re jealous of their relative youth. But on the plus side, you’re so self-centered you don’t realize just how much they hate you (hint: it’s a lot).
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