Dear DA,
You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too.
I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once.
I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.
Aside from being Batman, being president will be my biggest challenge yet. I know I don’t have any “qualifications” or “relevant experience”, but I managed to keep Goldberg and The Rock off of each other for almost a decade (gay sex is wrong), and I stopped the Undertaker from eating a small child. He doesn’t eat often, but once he starts, there’s no stopping him. I nearly lost my right hand, but I saved that kid’s life. And that little kid? He grew up to be Kobe Bryant.
What I need to know is how vascular is too vascular? I want people to be afraid of me, to keep them in line, but I don’t want them to think I’m a monster. It’s a very fine line.
My number one goal as president will be fitness. Our children have grown too weak and flabby. This is why John Cena will be in charge of the FDA. Instead of putting sugar in everything, we’ll use bull testosterone. Vanilla pudding will be 100% bull testosterone.
I have a lot of great ideas, like combining Gold’s Gym with the Country Time Buffet. It’d be like a one stop shop for all your needs. And GNC vending machines. Why has no one ever thought of this before? You go to the bowling alley and all of your dietary supplements are right there in a vending machine.
Let me know about my ideal level of vascularity and what you think about my ideas for vending machines. You could have vending machines for guns, porn, hard liquor, motivational tapes, you name it. Once licenses and permits are a thing of the past, you could even have a giant vending machine for cars. The way I see it, it isn’t any of the government’s business what I buy. These vending machines could solve all of our problems.
Sincerely,
Vince McMahon
Dear Vince,
In most cases, there’s no such thing as too much vascularity. You want your skin to look like a topical globe. The problem is, at your age, you start getting varicose vein, which are totally nasty. And no amount of steroids can fix that. So maybe it’s time to worry a little bit less about vascularity and a little more about those puny-ass calves of yours. I know you squat 600 lb, do calve raises 3 times a week, jump rope for 2 hours every day and even get in some high intensity plyometrics, but it’s not helping. I mean, there’s only so much you can do about genetics, and it looks like your ancestors had chopsticks below the knees. I actually think you should consider getting calve implants.
Now, as for you being president, I just don’t see it. We already have a heel in the White House and by the time his second term is over, the country is going to be in desperate need of a true babyface to wear the belt for a while. Not someone like those bad boys from the attitude era, I’m talking about a real vanilla Bob Backlund-type. Actually, I just checked my roster, and it turns out Bob Backlund is still alive. Not only that, he’s 4 years younger than you are. By the time he finishes his two terms in office, you’re going to be pushing 80. And let’s be honest, people who’ve done the amount of steroids you’ve done don’t live to see 80. The only reason Hogan is still kicking around is that he made a deal with The Devil. Now, if I remember correctly, you already sold your soul to bring The Rock back to the failing WWE for Wrestlemania, so you’re shit out of luck.
Anyway, you should go get those calve implants.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Vince,
Honestly, I’m actually having second thoughts about our deal, too. I see now that you’re one of those guys who’s just a little too evil for Hell and I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do with you when you get here. I don’t think any of the usual stuff will work. For instance, if I shoved cobras up your ass, I think they’d be crushed by your powerful glutes. Either that, or you might actually enjoy the cobras. I thought about putting you in the middle of a human centipede with The Ultimate Warrior and Pat Patterson (when he finally kicks the bucket) but I just don’t think that’s enough. What if I make you watch Randy “Macho Man” Savage fuck your daughter Stephanie with a bouquet of Slim Jims while her husband Triple H plows you from behind? Would that be traumatic enough?
The thing is, I think the best torture is to just let you stay alive so you can watch yourself slowly become a bloated California Raisin. You’ll keep trying to inflate your saggy arms with more and more steroids as your pecker shrinks to nothing. You’re already a miserable bastard, and I can only imagine you’ll get worse as you continue to age.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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