Divine Advice For Anna Kendrick

H. Seitz March 2, 2020 0 Divine Advice Amy Schumer, Anna Kendrick, Jesus, Kristen Stewart, Richard Gere, Satan, Twilight

Original photo by Mingle Media TV

Dear DA, You can tell by my sharp weaselly little face that I’m a crazy bitch, which makes me great in the sack but a nightmare to deal with. I expect perfection. Nothing but the best for me. And why won’t the dentist just let me use the children’s size x-rays? It makes absolutely no sense. It’s not like it makes him a pedophile or anything. Because of my diminutive size (which I hate other people pointing out btw), I’m forced/blessed to wear a lot of children’s clothing. Children’s shoes have really come a long way, as has their underwear. You’d think it might freak a guy out but nothing freaks those perverts out. As long as I keep putting out I can be a completely crazy bitch almost 24/7. All I need to do is tell them “I know I’m crazy, but I just can’t control myself.” I say…
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Divine Advice For Adam Conover

H. Seitz October 7, 2019 0 Divine Advice Adam Conover, Adam Ruins Everything, Amy Schumer, Chuck E. Cheese, Elvira, Gabourey Sidibe, Gal Gadot, Jenny McCarthy, Melissa McCarthy, Rebel Wilson, Shallow Hal, Tilda Swinton

Original photo by Big Breakfast

Dear DA, When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb. Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined. Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are. Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual…
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Divine Advice For Jennifer Lawrence

H. Seitz September 18, 2017 0 Divine Advice Amy Schumer, Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence, Jesus, Mike Tyson, Monster's Ball, Ron Jeremy, Satan

Dear DA, My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately. I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me. I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like…
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