I know we didn’t always get along, but I do want to make the world a better place and hopefully, you’ll postpone The Apocalypse again.
You have to stop sending every baseball player to hell, or expediting their weird “deals” with me.
One told me he’d give up the rest of his life if I gave him a 100mph fastball. I asked if he wanted anything else, like maybe to win the World Series, or also be able to hit, and he said “nah.”
70% of the people I see in hell are baseball players. It almost makes me miss the Old Testament times, but I don’t–really, I don’t.
I know I’m supposed to be “evil,” but ever since you relaxed your standards, especially the confession at the end and you go to heaven!” bullshit (even for me, that seems fucked up), my game has been off. Torturing people who are actually evil just isn’t as much fun torturing as people who don’t really deserve it.
Anyway, the baseball players are the worst. I actually regret taking their souls, and I always wonder why they don’t just wish they were Superman or at least Taylor Swift. She’s going to Hell, and it isn’t a cobra going up her ass.
Man, we’re cousins, and I’m glad we’ve been able to write together again, but I would like to be friends again, too.
And please start taking some baseball players. Hitler isn’t here, so I’m assuming he made his confession at the last second, and that seems a million times worse than just being a desperate baseball player, atheist, or person who died before they had the chance to repent.
Your identical cousin,
First of all, Hitler not being in Hell is news to me. That’s where I sent him, and I’m pretty sure you just mentioned him in a Divine Advice column a few weeks back. That means you’re either coming down with Demon Dementia, or Hitler escaped. Given what I know about that wily sonofabitch, I’m inclined to believe the latter. So if he’s not up here and he’s not down there, then where is he? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you might want to get your head out of your ass and go find him. I’d start in Brazil. That Jair Bolsonaro is a real piece of work and I can’t help but wonder if Hitler might be standing behind him whispering evil nothings into his ear. It would be the perfect cover, because who gives a shit about Brazil? Who’s going to bother checking if their fascist leader is actually being controlled by the worst human in the history of the world?
If he’s not in Brazil, check the Philippines. Rodrigo Duterte is just, I mean… well he kind of reminds me of you, actually.
As for the whole baseball player thing, I would think you’d be more grateful. I gave you those guys as gifts because I know what a big baseball fan you are. Pete Rose is 80, and I was thinking about giving him to you for your birthday this year, but now I guess I won’t. Though, now that we know he’s a child molester, I can’t very well take him up here either. Maybe I’ll just send his ghost to that baseball field Kevin Costner built. That place is becoming the Purgatory for ballplayers; in fact, it’s working so well that I might have Joe Montana build one for football players. That’s where I’ll probably send Tim Tebow, actually. The guy is a super devout Christian, so technically I’m supposed to take him, but his homophobia makes me uncomfortable. Also, he’s insufferable to be around. Don’t worry—you’re still getting Tom Brady. I know you’ve been waiting to sink your teeth into him ever since you stole his wife and turned her into a gazelle.
PS: Do you still want all the hockey players? The last time I checked, they’re all still extremely racist.
PPS: I’ll also be sending both Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding your way. I thought it might be fun to stick them in a room together with a couple of billy clubs and see what happens. They’re both still pretty young, so it’ll probably be a while before they arrive… but you never know…
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.