Divine Advice For Brian Kemp

Dear DA,

I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking.

Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare them white and be done with it. It’s really just that simple.

And Mexicans, or I guess “Hispanics,” belong behind a dishwasher, in the fields, cleaning houses, and playing baseball.

On a side note, why did you make these coloreds so good at baseball? We should change our national pastime to NASCAR, swimming, or golf. I have nightmares about a Chinese woman winning the Indianapolis 500, but we all know that’s impossible. Not on my watch.

As a civil servant, my job is to get reelected by any means necessary, and this is one case where my beliefs actually align with most of my constituents and roughly 75 million Americans, so I’d like to give myself a hearty pat on the back.

This is how I know I’m right and that God is real. If enough people believe something, it’s true. That’s how democracy works.

I don’t have a question, I just wanted to write to someone who would understand, or someone I could commiserate with.

Thank you again, Jesus, for this great Christian nation and Mike Trout.

Sincerely,
Brian Kemp, Governor of Georgia


Dear Brian,

I guess you forgot that I’m black. It’s understandable—that picture of me is overexposed and faded. But, yeah, I find this racist bullshit you’ve been spewing extremely offensive. The problem for you is, unlike the rest of the snowflakes, my opinion actually matters. You want to change the national pastime to NASCAR, swimming, or golf? Go ahead. I’m the one who decides who gets born with talent, and it’s only a matter of time before those honky sports start to look more like the cast of Hamilton. Did you forget about Tiger Woods? Well, there are thousands more like him in wombs across America, getting ready to hatch and ruin your handicap. Did you see the movie Talladega Nights? Well, guess what? A gay Frenchman is going to take over NASCAR any day now. And he might even be Algerian. And “he” might even be a “she.” Or start out as a “she” and become a “he.” Or go back and forth between the genders before settling on “they.”

In the case of swimming, well, honestly I don’t have much of a plan for that, so it’ll probably stay white for a while. But don’t forget— Michael Phelps turned out to be a pot-smoking hippy.

—Jesus Christ


Dear Brian,

First, you stand tall against Trump’s nonsensical conspiracy rant when he tries to bully you into stealing the election for him, but then you say you’ll support him if he runs again in 2024? And what’s with this racist voting legislation you’re trying to pass? It’s racist, and you should cut it out.

The truth is I’ve always felt Democracy is overrated. Fascist dictatorships are where it’s at. Dictators are my favorite guys to torture because they go through their lives assuming they’ll never get their comeuppance, and then they show up on my doorstep with egg on their face. And then I literally put egg on their face—demon egg, which is highly acidic and melts their skin. The utter shock when they finally realize that their actions have consequences is so damn satisfying. It’s why I got into this business in the first place, and what gets me out of bed on those difficult days when I’m just not in the mood to cram cobras into people’s rectums. I know it seems like cobra sodomy should be one of those things you never get sick of, but eternity is a long time. I’ve been thinking about changing it up and possibly using electric eels or sawsharks. Or maybe skip the sodomy altogether and go in through the penis hole. I know a guy who could get me a good deal on radioactive candiru fish. Whatever I decide, you can count on it being unpleasant.

You’re not a dictator yourself, but I would argue that you’re even worse. You’re the type of politician who will lick a dictator’s asshole to further your own political career even at the expense of your own constituents. Unlike dictators who have an overabundance of unjustified confidence, guys like you go through life always looking over your shoulder, always paranoid that someone will figure out you’re a fraud and take you down. When your kind shows up in Hell, you’re not shocked, but terrified. You tend to grovel, cry like little bitches. This isn’t as satisfying for me as you’d think, and it earns you a special kind of punishment: You get turned into demon toilet paper. Trust me; that is even worse than it sounds.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz

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