Divine Advice For Adam Silver

Dear DA,

I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments.

A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season.

Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad.

Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper.

It troubles me that up until about two weeks ago, the media outlet taking this the most seriously was ESPN. And now ESPN has absolutely nothing else to talk about except next football season, which doesn’t start for another six months.

I’ve tried to be a good NBA Commissioner, and more importantly, I’ve tried to be a decent human being. When you look like a tapeworm, you have to, because tapeworms already have it badly enough. But I honestly feel disappointed in humanity. I’ve always had hope, but recent events are confirming my worst fears.

Is it maybe time to kill us all and start over? Even a little change, like making human poop wipe-free, might make a difference.

I’m not telling you how to do your job, but if you’re like everyone else (hopefully you aren’t), you’re already taking your cues from the NBA anyway, whether it’s getting more athletes on social media, making the game more youth accessible, pandemic control, etc.

Sincerely,
Adam Silver


Dear Adam Silver,

Not to burst your bubble, but it was Tom Hanks getting sick that really got Americans to wake the fuck up. There are only 4 living basketball players anyone gives a shit about: Michael Jordan, Shaq, Lebron, and Charles Barkley. Magic Johnson, too, I guess, but most people assume he’s already dead. Meanwhile, Tom Hanks is a national treasure. In fact, I’ve decided that if he doesn’t pull through, I’m sending him back down to Earth as the ghost of David S. Pumpkins. You guys don’t deserve him, but you need him, and I’m not ready to pull the plug on your shitty little society just yet.

As for being wipe-free, that’s on you guys. I didn’t design your guts to deal with all that processed sugar, red meat and dairy. No animals are meant to drink the milk of other animals, and that’s why you shit brown Play-Doh.

—Jesus Christ


Dear Adam,

This mostly concerns Rudy, but since you wrote in (and he didn’t) I may as well tell you. That thing he did with the press microphones? Not cool. In fact, it’s an offense punishable via eternal damnation in Hell. Sure, under normal circumstances, this would be considered a little heavy-handed, but these are dire times. An example must be made to keep the people in line.

Honestly, I like Rudy and I’m not even going to enjoy torturing him. Well, maybe a little bit, but not like I usually do. If you see him, please let him know that it’s nothing personal and I plan on being as “gentle” as possible. I’ll stick to the cobras up the rectum and maybe throw in the occasional Minotaur gnawing on his pecker, but I promise to stay away from the twisted psychological stuff. Of course, what is a promise from Satan really worth, am I right?

If you want to be helpful (and I know you do) just get the word out. Let all those entitled assholes in all the major North American sports (including hockey) that I’ll be watching. The mouth of Hell will be gaping for them, waiting for them to slip up and do something that shows they aren’t taking this pandemic seriously enough. They’re young, rich and have access to treatments that the peasants don’t. If they take this for granted or are in any way disrespectful to those in a more vulnerable position, they will pay with their immortal souls.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz

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