Yes, they saved my brain. I’ve been monitoring the earth’s activities from my Nazi Martian Thunderdome and frankly, you people sicken me.
Certain earth elements have been comparing me to Donald Trump, so I want to make it absolutely clear right here and right now that the comparison is invalid. To compare me to that draft dodging, fat assed, Russian piss hound buffoon!
I got a medical deferral, but I forced my way into serving anyway, I was on the front lines of WW1! I was awarded two Iron Crosses for valor. Zwei! When I see that fat orange baboon blabbering away I want to kick him in the stomach and stomp on his face until his face and his stomach switch places and he looks like the pink, bloated balloon man he is! VERDAMMT SOHN EINER HUNDEN ARSHGEIGE FLACHWICHSER! I hate him! When I get back to earth I’ll kill him. Him and his entire family! And of course, all the jews.
The extreme nationalism, I suppose we do have that in common. And the demonization of Jews, blacks, faggots, and the disabled. I suppose we are similar in those ways, too. But in my day, people weren’t completely delusional. You couldn’t just say that you were “winning”, you had to go out and actually invade Poland. And while we both stoke and feed upon the worst sentiments in the human heart, I did it first! I paved the way! If it wasn’t for those idiot neo-Nazis he would’ve lost the election! SCHEISSE SCHEISSE SCHEISSE SCHEISSE! I’ll murder him! I swear it! That pompous overstuffed mental defective!
I told Tojo to leave America alone, but if I knew then what I know now, I would’ve just moved there and ran for president.
The One that Got Away,
Supreme Chancellor of the National Socialist Martian Worker’s Party
Dear Adolf Hitler,
“They” saved your brain? Who the Hell is “they” and how did I not know about this? It makes me wonder how many more of these conspiracy theories might be true. Is there really a Loch Ness Monster? How about Big Foot? I created so many species that I don’t even remember anymore. Who really shot JFK? That one stumps me because none of the people who would actually know are up here in Heaven. Elvis is still alive, I know that much. He was the one who really killed Tupac, and is currently Putin’s go-to guy whenever a journalist needs to have an unfortunate accident. Speaking of Russia, I’m a little surprised that you hate Trump so much. It’s true he doesn’t have your genuine convictions or passion, but where you failed, he might actually succeed. He’s perfected the art of confusion and misdirection by stacking lies on top of lies so rapidly that people lose track of what he said and what is actually happening. For all we know, maybe the US already did invade Poland. Although an actual siege is unnecessary when it’s much easier just to fan the flames of alt-right movements in places like that. Facebook is the new Blitzkrieg. Anyway come back to Earth and kill Trump if you want, but I don’t think it’ll be worth it. Given how long it would take you to make the trip, there would likely not be much Earth left for you rule by the time you got here. I know you’re the original, but another Adolf Hitler in the world would be redundant right about now.
—Jesus The Wearer of Tinfoil Hats
Boy, this embarrassing. All these years I thought I was torturing the entire Adolf Hitler, when it turns out all I had was your empty brainless shell of a body. The nerves still react to pain, so how was I to know? Well, you shouldn’t have given yourself away, that’s for sure. Obviously if you come back to Earth, I will grab that brain out of whatever robot it’s in and reunite it with your beaten-up flesh down here in Hell. And, in case you think you’ll be safe if you just stay on Mars, think again. Elon Musk happens to be a close personal friend of mine. We’re so tight, in fact, that he’s built me my very own Mars Shuttle. Though I’m not all that interested in visiting what is essentially Death Valley with a red sky and ungodly winds. That means I’ll be pretty cranky if you make me come out there. Anyway, thanks for bringing this whole “missing brain” thing to my attention. I can’t wait to devise all sorts of new tortures once I have all of you. Maybe there will be something involving your body eating your brain or shoving your brain up your own ass or something. I’m still brainstorming here. Whatever I end up doing, it’ll be epic. I promise you that.
—Satan the Embarrassed
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.