Lately I get the feeling that none of my friends are seeing my posts on Facebook, and I don’t think I’m seeing theirs, either. All I get are spammy links to softcore porn and political articles written by Russian hackers. It’s like Facebook has become a never-ending spam folder.
When Data built me and my sister Lal, he told me that it was his dream to become more human, but that I shouldn’t even bother trying. So I took his advice and created Facebook. But now, I’m thinking about deleting my account and going back to ham radio. It was such a thrill to finally talk to tweaked out truckers after hours of sifting through static. One time, I even talked to a guy in Switzerland. He was in his basement talking to truckers, too!
How is my sister Lal? Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, hers was the most human.
Dear Jesse Eisenberg,
You have a lot to answer for, indeed. Teaming up with Justin Timberlake to screw over Spiderman was pretty shitty, especially after you stole the whole “Facebook” thing from two twins that were too ugly to play the Winklevoss brothers so they had to have Armie Hammer’s face CGI’d over theirs. You keep saying you don’t care about money but you’re willing to sell out to greedy investors at the expense of artists and small businesses who can no longer leverage your stupid site for promotion. I have a good mind to send Salvador Dali down there and have him take a ghost shit in your cucumber water.
You asked about your sister. Well congrats, you’re about to be an uncle. Lal and Kenny Baker got together pretty much as soon as he arrived in Heaven two years ago. Apparently, she’s always had a thing for R2-D2. And since we don’t believe in birth control up here, every copulation results in pregnancy. Even if you’re a robot. I can’t wait to see their ridiculous robo-offspring. I wish you could meet your niece-bot someday, but unfortunately, you’re heading in the other direction.
—Jesus the Robo-matchmaker
Dear Mark Zuckerbot,
This exciting, I’ve never tortured a robot before. Obviously there’s going to be a lot of throwing you into water and scrambling your brain with giant magnets. There will also probably be some tortures involving various corrosive acids and whatnot. But I want to torture you psychologically, too. I’m going to build replicas of Data and Lal and make them fuck in front of you. Is it really incest if it’s robots? That’ll be the question you’ll have to wrestle with. How will you react when watching them gives you a boner? Or when Bill Gates comes into the room, chops off their heads with axes and fucks their neck holes? I can’t wait to find out. Tomorrow. Just kidding.
Or am I?
—Satan the Devil
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.