As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world.
I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever.
Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to trick a woman into willingly fucking you even if you are rich. You have to really hustle and bribe and drunkenly accost and do whatever it was Louis C.K. was up to. Honestly, Louis C.K. disturbs me the most. The entire point of all of this is so you don’t have to masterbate. Come to think of it, Weinstein is the only one who actually closed the deal. High five, Harvey!
Still, don’t go too easy on them. They should have put in the time and effort to be born perfect looking like I did. It starts in the womb, guys. Yoga in the womb.
I almost forgot, what do you think about a sequel to St. Elmo’s Fire? This time, we can get Elmo to play St. Elmo to draw in the kids. There’ll still be sex and drugs and me playing the saxophone. For the male leads, we’re keeping the original cast, but the women will be replaced by whatever 17 year olds look the most like they used to except with bigger boobs and tighter abs. Sounds pretty sweet, right?
Dear Rob Lowe,
Interesting that you brought up your 1988 sex scandal, because I’ve been thinking about that recently. See, I think I let you off too easy. I was willing to let it go because at that time in Georgia, the age of consent for sex was only 14, and those girls were 16. However, the age of consent to film a sex act was 18, so you technically still broke the law. And in light of the current “me too” movement I think I should retroactively punish you to show women of the world where I stand. I, too have a lot to answer for, given that The Bible is the most common justification for the sexist attitudes people still cling to. Unfortunately, that means I’m going to have to dole out extra helpings of wrath to make up for my past indifference to the issue. So what do you have to look forward to? You mentioned looking like you were carved out of soap, so I figure it’ll be fitting to turn your dick into soap. It’ll still be a functioning dick while it lasts but with every shower you take, it’ll melt from the outside, and with every piss, it’ll dissolve from within. I’d say you probably have about a month or so before it’s completely gone.
Regarding your pitch for a St. Elmo’s Fire sequel, I have some more bad news. I think it’s a terrible idea. However, I do have some ideas you might be like. What about an Outsider’s sequel involving a séance to communicate with The Karate Kid’s ghost? Or maybe it can be about communicating with Patrick Swayze’s actual ghost, like they did for that Ghost sequel they made a few years back. Speaking of Patrick Swayze, what about a Youngblood sequel? Don’t want anything to do with Swayze’s ghost? How about a remake of Speed II with you in the Jason Patrick role? Honestly, with you in the world, Jason Patrick is kind of redundant. I’ll bet if just obliterated him from existence, nobody would even notice. Don’t tell him I said that. Anyway, those are my ideas. Let me know what you think, and I’ll make the necessary calls to get something going.
—Jesus The Producer of Justice
Dear Rob Lowe,
If I were you, I wouldn’t be so cocky about your appearance. The other day I was watching a syndicated episode of Parks and Recreations, and I noticed some lines. Some crow’s feet around the eyes and whatnot. And that was back in season 2. Recently, all I’ve seen you in are cameos and commercials, so it’s hard to tell how much worse it’s gotten. Also, that ripped body you were so proud of is softening. You’re like Chris Pratt halfway through the transition between his normal body and Star-Lord. Diet and exercise could fix the body, but there’s nothing you can really do to fix your aging face. Ask Courtney Cox, Melanie Griffith and others who’ve tried. Nothing works except making a deal with me. In secret circles, I’ve been nicknamed the best plastic surgeon in Hollywood. This isn’t quite accurate, as I don’t resort to surgery and I very rarely live in LA. Anyway, if you want to keep that face forever, all I ask in return is to be my sex slave for the rest of your earthly life. That’s right, you can even keep your soul after you die (it’s not much of a soul anyway). Full disclosure, being my sex slave is no picnic. I’ve got a 12-inch barbed dick that really tears up an ass. I know you’ve put some crazy things up there, but trust me—nothing you’ve done prepares you for me. Also, I’ve got really cold hands. You may as well take the deal, though, because once your soap dick dissolves, sex as you know it will be over anyway.
—Satan the Horny
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.