I read the letter from Tom Hanks last week and now I’m worried. If I had known then what I know now, I never would’ve played an Asian man. I would have insisted that a differently abled person got the role.
The same with Good Will Hunting. Those guys are hard to find, especially one who’s an actor, but I would have insisted that Ben and I be replaced by real homosexuals. It was wrong for Ben Affleck and me, Matt Damon, who are both 100% heterosexual, to play gay people.
And my lord and satan, what was I thinking doing Stuck on You? I should have insisted that real conjoined twins be attached to Greg Kinnear for six months. I might still insist on that now. Greg Kinnear is one of the most specially abled people I know.
So of course I want you to help me spin this, but I also have a couple other questions.
- What does “specially abled” mean? I don’t get it. Is it like when someone gets hit on the head with a hammer and they can’t drive anymore, but suddenly they’re really good at math?
- Did Ben Affleck get a facelift? If he did, that’s his choice, but he only does stuff like this when he’s trying to impress someone, so I think I have a right to know.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but I would like your advice before taking any more roles. For example, should I be allowed to play a dishwasher? There are plenty of dishwashers out there who could probably use the role a lot more than I could, but I love the script. This dishwasher is special because he’s in a wheelchair. It makes it very difficult to do dishes, and he’s a lot worse at it than the other dishwashers, but he keeps at it anyway because everyone feels too sorry for him to fire him. Once I read the script I fell in love. With the script, not with Ben Affleck. So can I do it?
Dear Matt Damon,
You again, huh. Man, you’re lucky it’s been a slow week.
I’m giving you a pass for Good Will Hunting because, despite your insistence to the contrary, we all know what you and Ben get up to behind closed doors and parked cars and bathroom stalls. The same goes for Stuck On You because you and Ben are basically conjoined twins.
The white-washing thing, though—that was a big mistake. That movie pissed me off so much I can’t even remember the name of it, which is the only reason I haven’t gone back in time to retroactively prevent it from being made. I have some good ideas on how to punish the director (it would involve fire ants crawling into his penis hole) but I can’t even bring myself to look the movie up on IMDB to find out who he is. You should have had the foresight to turn down the role, just as Ed Skrein did for the Hellboy reboot. Do you have any idea how popular that guy’s going to be at Con next year? He’s going to be able to fuck so many curvy Power Girl and Slave Leia cosplayers. Plus, now he and Daniel Dae Kim are besties because the role he turned down actually got passed along to someone who deserved it. Ed Skrein is a goddam hero to movie fans. The amount of good karma this bought him will keep him in good standing for the rest of his life, barring any crazy harassment scandal. Meanwhile, your affiliation with handsy Casey Affleck alone will keep you in the dog house. It’s only a matter of time before your own ass-grabbing story surfaces and buries you.
Now, as you’ve written in many times before, I’m sure I’ve already shared with you how it is that you’ll be punished for all your Matt Damon-isms. I’d remind you of them now, but, to be honest, I don’t even remember and I’m too lazy to look them up. Anyway, you already know what’s in store for you. But, hey, I’m known to be somewhat merciful, so I’ll at least answer your question about the dishwasher movie. Go ahead and do it. But you might consider jumping off a building or running in front of a speeding truck to put yourself in a wheelchair for real. It’s something to boost your credibility. That should turn things around for you in terms of public opinion. You’re still going to be tortured for all eternity, but at least people will hate you slightly less.
—Jesus the Annoyed
Dear Gay Will Hunting,
Before I delve into your question, I want to reiterate a concern I brought up a couple weeks ago. This whole blurring of lines where Jesus is creatively vengeful is starting to worry me. That’s supposed to be my thing. I mean, if Jesus is going to be stuffing fire ants into sinners’ peepee holes, who needs the Devil? Anyway, I’m not going to use this column to air my grievances to management, it’s just something that’s on my mind. I won’t waste any more of your time.
Since The Man Upstairs was pretty thorough in answering the first part of your question, I’ll skip right to the second part: Batfleck’s facelift. The fact is, no surgery was required. Thanks to a deal he made with me, he’s going to be handsome for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, he did not read the fine print in our contract. For every year that passes in which his face doesn’t age, his dick will shrink half an inch. FYI, he’s already down to two inches fully erect, and we just made this deal two years ago. You’re pretty perceptive, though. Batfleck did have plastic surgery recently, only it wasn’t to fix his face, it was to graft on a bigger dick. I’m surprised you didn’t notice this the last time you two were in the shower together. I guess you’re always the pitcher so you only ever see him from behind. His surgery was a clever attempt to exploit a loophole in our agreement, but it didn’t work. The new dick may be ten inches long, but it’s as limp as rolled up Silly Puddy. To make things worse, when he goes to the bathroom, piss comes out of both dicks at the same time, which makes a huge mess. He accidentally pissed all over Kevin Spacey’s shoes at a urinal the other day, and Spacey misinterpreted it as flirting. You can imagine how that ended.
—Satan the Concerned
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.