Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago.
I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like adults at 13? And some of the guys in high school who already looked and acted like they were 30 year old men? A lot of fashion models are 14 years old, and no one who sees them or their ads thinks of them as children.
I can’t remember exactly what this kid looked like, but at 14, he was probably already more of a man than I ever have been or will ever be.
Back to being gay. According to the people persecuting me, gay people are persecuted and staying in the closet is unhealthy. The persecution and/or fear of expressing yourself can lead to dark places, like substance abuse and alleged sexual assault.
I am making excuses for myself. I admit it. But before you judge me, I ask you to judge yourself for the drunkest, gayest thing you’ve ever done in your life. If I scared that kid, I apologize. I am a creepy guy for doing that. But I stopped, and in my day, that was called being forward. Honestly, I wonder how anyone gets laid nowadays. Hitting on someone who doesn’t like you back isn’t sexual assault in my book, especially if you stop once you know that, which according to this guy, I did.
I’m old and unhealthy anyway, so my mortal life doesn’t mean much to me at this point, though it does to my publicist and my agent. So what I want to know is, where am I going, to heaven or hell or purgatory or some combination?
Creepy old Kevin Spacey
Jeez, that was a long letter. And all I really needed was the last paragraph where you asked your question. Bad news for you—excess reading puts me in a bad mood and makes me a little “smitey.”
You do bring up a good point about the expectations for a TV president vs. the expectations for the actual president, though. Believe me, I’m looking into it, but that’s another column for another day. For now, let’s deal with some of the other things you mentioned, which are much more relevant to your immediate future. First of all, let’s look at what you said about being gay and being drunk and how you think those are excuses for your behavior. Let me speak with final authority on the matter: They are not! And there will be some serious smiting just for thinking they are. Remove your pants and look at your asshole in the mirror right now. Go ahead, I can wait.
What do you see? Nothing?
Ha! That’s because I’ve cauterized your ass shut! No more dicks going in there for you! Also, you will be slowly and painfully poisoned by your own solid waste, not unlike what happens to the person in the middle of a human centipede. That ain’t gonna be fun, let me tell you. Also, your liver has been turned into a football. You can have it surgically removed if you want, but it won’t make a difference. Don’t bother trying to surgically open your asshole, though. Whatever hole you make there will immediately close. Such is my Divine Will.
Now, let me address your suggestion that I judge myself for the gayest, drunkest thing I’ve ever done. I’m celibate, so it’s hard to say what that might be. I did a lot of “just-friends cuddling” in hammocks with the Twelve Apostles back in the day, but there was never any funny business. If you consider that gay, then I still judge myself to be the infallible Son of Man. Not that being gay is something to be condemned. And yeah, I turned a lot of water into wine, but I always knew when to say when, if you know what I mean. Anyway, getting drunk was a lot safer in those days because there were no cars to wreck. Sure, you could crash a camel pretty hard, but I was a poor son of a carpenter and I couldn’t afford a camel.
And now for your question: Heaven or Hell. Well, that’s a tough one. On one hand, people really liked The Usual Suspects and House of Cards, but then there was the thing with that 14-year-old actor and a bunch of other things you haven’t even confessed to yet and—oh, who am I kidding, this is an open-and-shut case. You’re going to Hell for sure.
—Jesus the Infallible Son of Man
Dear Kaiser Soze,
It’s true, once your anus implodes from you not being able to shit, you’ll die and come down here to Hell. I’d like to say that it won’t be so bad for you, but it’s going to really suck. The good news is, once you’re down here, your anus will once again be open for business. How else would I be able to cram all those cobras up there? Also, you will be regularly penetrated by the rusty serrated dick of a giant robotic Anthony Rapp. I’m sure none of this is a surprise to you, though. We did have a deal after all. I gave you the ability to do a dead-on Christopher Walken impression and helped you get away with sexual assault for over 30 years in exchange for your soul. You signed on the dotted line in both blood and semen, which makes the deal extra-binding. OK, enjoy all the public hatred. See you in a bit.
—Satan the Gleeful
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.