Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it.
Dear Jesus and Satan,
I’ve got a major problem here. Last night at a parent-teacher conference, I accidentally fell in love with my kid’s math teacher and grabbed her tits. Not exactly in that order, but both of those things happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what came over me. I was sitting across from Miss Allison at her desk as she was beaming about how my son was by far the brightest kid in her class, and the whole time, I just couldn’t stop staring at her cleavage. Her face is pretty, too—nice milky skin, bright red hair, nearly symmetrical eyes, full lips and nerdy hipster glasses. Because she was giving me good news about my kid, she was smiling a lot, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was being flirted with. Then at one point she dropped her pen. As she reached down to pick it up, I had this tremendous view down her shirt. Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it. On instinct, I reached out to catch them. We both froze for an uncomfortable minute—her still bent-over out of her chair and me with my hand still on her breasts. Eventually, I was able to snap out of it and let go. I apologized and tried to pass it off like I was reaching for her pen. I’m not sure she bought it, though. On one hand, she couldn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of our meeting. On the other hand, she didn’t kick me out of her office until we were done.
So my question to you guys is what should I do next? Should I hire a lawyer in anticipation of a possible sexual harassment lawsuit, or should I buy her flowers and ask her out on a date? I’ve been pretty lonely since my wife left me, and I sure would enjoy the company of this amazing woman. Also my son would probably think I was cool for dating his hot teacher, who he probably thinks about while he’s masturbating.
—Hot For Teecher
Dear Hot For Teacher,
First of all, you spelled “teacher” incorrectly in your signature even though you spelled it correctly in the body of your letter. I’m going to assume this was intentional, perhaps an attempt at a joke. It wasn’t a very good one, to be perfectly honest. If that is an accurate reflection of your sense of humor, then you may as well give up. Miss Allison is way out of your league looks-wise, and if you can’t at least make her laugh then you have no shot. Think about it—your last wife told you she was no longer attracted to you right before leaving you for her hunky personal trainer. And you’ve only gotten uglier since then. Perhaps your unrealistic expectations of the kind of woman you can get come from watching too many sit-coms starring Kevin James. That might also be why your sense of humor sucks. In any case, I have it on good authority that Miss Allison is planning to sue your ass for the tit-grab, so you better lawyer up.
—Jesus of Nazareth (among other places)
The fact that you didn’t immediately get slapped in the face when you grabbed her tits is a good sign. True, she is out of your league in the looks department, but women don’t really care about how a man looks. Stephanie Anna Marie Zantua is Kevin James’s wife in real life, and she’s even hotter than any of his sit-com wives. What does he have that you don’t? Confidence! That, and shitloads of money. Now, I know what you’re thinking—you don’t have Kevin James money, so what are you supposed to do? Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: getting rich is easy if you’re willing to be kind of a scumbag for a while. There are plenty of fool-proof scams out there, but the one I think you’re best suited for is banging a rich old lady who has alienated her children and is willing to leave her fortune to a stranger just to spite them. Once you get her millions, you march on back to the school with a dozen red roses and you set them down right on Miss Allison’s desk next to all those cum-drenched apples given to her by her many adoring male students (your son included). The best part of the old lady scam is that it works just as well for your “Plan B” situation. If Miss Allison does, in fact, sue you for the tit grab, you still have all that old lady money to pay for a lawyer.
—Satan the Naughty