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Divine Advice For Martin Scorsese

October 28, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by David Shankbone

Dear DA, Are you looking forward to Star Wars 9? That title sounds like a Mad Magazine parody. I’ve been tricked and let down so many times, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. And why did they have to get a guy with such a weird face? For Christ’s sake, keep the helmet on! There are a lot of cute boys out there who’d be more than happy to shake it for The Mouse. They should’ve done what I do and gone through back issues of TigerBeat. That’s how I found Leo and Bobby DeNiro. If you can’t pull off a TigerBeat cover, what good are you? You think these people are paying to watch you act? You get up there and you shake it, boy, and that goes double for the ladies. Speaking of which, what kind of parents name their kid Daisy? There was…
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Divine Advice For Luke Skywalker

December 11, 2017 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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