Tag Archive: Adam Conover

Divine Advice For James Madison

Greetings and Salutations, As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight. The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it. All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece. The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype…
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Divine Advice For Adam Conover

Dear DA, When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb. Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined. Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are. Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual…
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