Dear Divine Advice,
Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que–
Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que–
Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it?
Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do?
At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial.
I let Ben dump on my chest all the time and sure there’s domestic abuse, but most of it’s just repressed gay guy stuff, and I’m so not gay, I’d pay Amber Heard at least $50 to take a dump on me because unlike the Jews, we Catholics aren’t tightwads. I’d even throw in an extra fiver for her to punch me in the face and stomp on my genitals. You know she’d do it for free, so she should be paying me, but I’m now “woke” enough to know–thanks to my daughter–that every woman should be her own pimp.
So obviously I’m doing great, but I just wanted to check in, say hello, etc. And I know how to satisfy women, I was just kidding, but just out of curiosity, what do you think 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls are doing to get everyone so hot and bothered? Not that I am, and not that I don’t know, I just want to see if you know.
Sincerely,
Matt Damon
Dear Matt Damon,
Funny you should write. I was just re-watching Good Will Hunting with Robin Williams, and he was telling me some crazy stories about the set.
Like how you kept getting a boner during that scene where you and Robin are hugging. He said that Gus Van Sant got everything he needed in the first pass, but you kept demanding take after take until finally, you creamed your jeans. It soaked right through, and both you and Robin had to go back to wardrobe to change.
But there were no other clothes that matched the ones you were wearing, which meant they had to wash the ones you jizzed in. The whole mess ended up setting the production back half a day, which cost $450,000.
And after all that, you still wanted to do more takes. And you did. And you spooged in your pants again. Which was another $450,000.
Robin also told me that, during your big kissing scene with Minnie Driver, you were really struggling with delivering a believable performance until, finally, they put Ben in as her stand-in. Once you two Boondock Saints locked lips, it was magic. Gus had to do some acrobatic editing to make it all fit, but the final product speaks for itself.
They even considered having Ben and Minnie swap roles, but their agents wouldn’t stand for it.
Philip Seymour Hoffman has some interesting stories about the set of The Talented Mr. Ripley but I’ll save those for the next time you write in.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Matthew Damon,
Thanks for checking in. I’m still fucking your wife while you’re off “working,” and it’s been great. I should tell you that she recently figured out I was an imposter, and since then, she’s been requesting that I fuck her in satyr form—horns, red skin, cloven feet and all. Being able to truly express myself makes the experience more enjoyable for me, and she just loves it now that I’ve unleashed the full glory of my 12-inch barbed cock.
Your kids have started calling me “Dad,” which is nice. I have billions of my own offspring, but the bond I have with yours is special. We play Trivia Pursuit almost every night. I never thought of myself as a board game guy, but your kids are just so smart and funny that we have a blast just chilling at home.
I have been coaching your youngest’s soccer team, but don’t worry; I haven’t been using any of my demon powers to help her cheat. Believe me, she doesn’t need my help. She’s a total natural. Currently, we’re in second place, but I think we have a real shot at winning the championship. Of course, all that really matters is that the girls have fun.
Full disclosure: I did set a ref on fire after he missed a call. Also, I turned one of the girls on the other team into a piglet because she was very unsportsmanlike. But I did these things after the game was over, so they didn’t in any way contribute to our 127-0 victory.
Tell Ben I said “hi,” and that I’m taking really good care of the Jens while he’s away.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan
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