Dear DA,
I don’t like being sucked into politics, but lately, I’ve been getting heat from both sides. Some liberals hate me for my toxic masculinity, which I admit is a problem. I can’t just punch all of my problems into outer space. I mean I can, but I shouldn’t.
On the other side, conservatives can’t stand that I’m bulletproof, but have somehow twisted my invulnerability into a reason they need even more guns.
As a person of bulletproofness(?), and an increasingly jaded one, I couldn’t give two shits one way or the other.
I’ve pretty much stopped saving people unless they’re extremely attractive, and even then, being Superman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. One window washer I caught claimed that I touched him “inappropriately,” and somehow Disney is trying to sue me, too?
When posing as a human, I work as a stringer for a newspaper (Pa told me that a journalism degree was a mistake), so as far as I’m concerned, they can sue away. What are they going to take, my $50,000 in credit card debt or the $100,000 I still owe in student loans?
Maybe I did touch that window washer inappropriately; I wasn’t really paying attention, and isn’t that a sign I should stop?
What made you decide to quit?
The last time I saved a kid, her father tried to shoot me while I was still carrying her. One bullet ricocheted off my foot, so I had to drop the girl, stop the bullet from hitting the dad and disarm him, then return to catch the girl in midair, and all the while I’m thinking “What the hell is the point?” The father later told me he thought I was the Devil. He’s also suing me for traumatizing his daughter.
It’s gotten to the point it’d be cheaper and easier to just let people die. I know I’m supposed to be Superman and that’s not my style, but neither is spending every waking hour in court over frivolous lawsuits, and there are now bench warrants out for my arrest in 38 states.
Maybe I should just go into “Holy Ghost” mode and save people so fast they can’t see me? But still, they’d know it was me, unless maybe one of you is willing to take the credit?
I think I yelled at you before for giving up on humanity, but after 30 plus years with these people, I’m starting to see why.
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Superman,
Finally, someone gets it. The giving up on humanity, I mean. It’s not that humans are stupid or evil or short-sighted or greedy. They are all those things, of course, but the real problem is that they’re just so damn ungrateful. At least when that guy shot you, it didn’t hurt. Try wearing a crown of thorns and being nailed to a cross for 18 hours. In your case, both the crown and the spikes would have to be made out of Kryptonite, but you get the idea. People only pray when they want something, and then sometimes two people are praying equally hard for the same thing, and I can’t give it to both of them. Naturally, I usually just give it to the more attractive person, but sometimes they’re both ugly. When that happens, I try to make them both fail, but that’s not always possible. In the case of, say, a coin toss or something, there has to be a winner and a loser. And it gets even more complicated for big sporting events, where you have millions of people praying for each of the two teams. In the old days, I would have my angels go out a do a quick survey to see which team had more hot chicks praying for it, but now, there are just too many people to keep track of. Now, most of the time, I just let the better team win, although sometimes I choose randomly. Of course, many athletes have made deals with the Devil, so I have to make sure each of them has enough success as to not void their agreement. We wouldn’t want Satan to get a free soul, now, would we? That guy’s lazy enough as it is.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Superman 3,
I confess that I didn’t bother to read the original question, nor Jesus’s answer, but I’m assuming this is about the movie Superman III, starring Richard Pryor as a guy who skis down the side of a skyscraper. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no advice for this nightmare of a movie or anyone involved in the making thereof. A shockingly high number of those people are dead, which is kind of fucked up. Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Richard Prior, Robert Vaughn, Annie Ross, and Jackie Cooper, just to name the ones I actually bothered looking up. I know some of them were in their 80’s when they died, but all three of the main stars were relatively young. I’m not saying this movie was cursed, but… Actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying. And I should know since I’m the one who cursed it. I guess I was a little miffed that they wouldn’t cast me as Bizarro after I campaigned for it for months, and even had a costume made. When they said no, I was like, “Well, fuck you, Warner Brothers. Fuck you very much.” To be fair, all I really did to sabotage the production was talk Gene Hackman out of returning as Lex Luthor. I figured the movie could never succeed without him, but that turned out to be the least its problems. I mean, a woman turns into a fucking robot! It’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire existence, and I’m the fucking Prince of Hell. I suppose I should thank you for giving me the idea because turning people into robots—having their flesh slowly peeled away and replaced with cold, hard steel—has become my go-to torture for tech billionaires. So far, I only have one of them down here, but you can bet that’s exactly what happens to Steve Jobs every single day. According to him, it hurts worse than having cobras shoved up your ass, which also happens to him quite regularly down here.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan
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