Dear DA,
I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall, so they called him, but of course I got the call, so I told them he was my stunt double and had a concussion.
That actually gave me an idea to get rid of him. I got him a job as a stunt double and his own car, apartment, girlfriend (prostitute, but whatever), everything. I taught him how to talk and behave himself and I thought that was it, but he just doesn’t get that he isn’t me. He thought the apartment was for me, that I was the one who was moving. I did use the prostitute a few times, so maybe that confused him, but I had made everything else super clear.
I hate to say it, but he’s a complete idiot. Just a total buffoon. I hate him so much I want to smash my own face when I see it in the mirror.
I’m thinking about murdering a few of my “friends” and pinning it on him. We have the same blood, right? And I’ve kind of been itching to murder these people anyway, so I figure two birds with one stone. But if “Brad Pitt” goes to prison for murder, what am I supposed to do?
This entire thing is a nightmare. You mentioned something about the ocean before but he’s afraid of the water, he shrieks like a wounded animal everytime I try to get him on a boat. So what else ya got? There’s got to be some way to deal with this. I was against burying him alive because that seems really harsh, even for him, but lately, I’ve reconsidered. Really, anything goes, and I’ve got the money. If I have to put him on the moon, I’m willing to do it.
Sincerely,
Brad Pitt
Dear Angelina Jolie’s Ex,
Did you ever read “The Cask of Amontillado? That.
Your clone is drunk all the time anyway, so just lure him into your cellar and wall him up. Though, I should warn you—that’s exactly what George Clooney tried to do, but his clone got out and murdered him. Didn’t you think it was odd when your Ocean’s Eleven costar started doing commercials for Nespresso in a full suit of armor? Anyway, don’t make the same mistake George did. Stick around until you’re absolutely sure that the mortar has fully set.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Brad,
Sure, the Edgar Allen Poe method works great in a pinch, but why settle? The Elon Musk method is much more romantic. That’s basically where you trick your clone into boarding a shuttle to Mars. Getting him on the space ship should be even easier than luring him into a basement. After all the prep you two did for your most recent movie Ad Astra, I have to assume he’s already really psyched about space. Now you just have to pay Elon your entire net worth and let him take care of the rest. You might be able to haggle the price a little if you make it clear that it isn’t all that necessary for the shuttle to arrive at its destination safely. And the timing couldn’t be better, actually, because Elon is just now putting together a “mission” to unload half a dozen clones of himself. I’m sure his shuttle has room for one more.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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