Dear DA,
The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him.
The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble.
I tried to talk some sense into him and out of nowhere his hand shoots out and he’s holding a fucking bird, I didn’t even see the thing coming and he just snatched it out of midair. I mean of course I could have done it, too, but I had my karate turned off, just to be safe. I tell him he either has to lie about his height or fight The Rock and he just stares at me, stroking his bird. It kinda freaked me out a little, so I ran away. I wasn’t really afraid of him, I probably should have kicked his ass, but the karate makes it illegal and I didn’t want to hurt the bird.
The Rock has glands like an elephant, you can see the toxic masculinity leaking out of him, and the entire reason he’s mad at me is because he has to wear high heels, which is also totally transphobic. You need to calm him down so I don’t go to jail for beating him up. I’m actually more worried about The Rock. If I’m not careful with my karate he’ll end up falling in love with me, and that would ruin his career.
If you don’t believe me about my double black belt you can ask Gal Gadot. It was humiliating, but I let her beat me up rather than risk karate chopping her. I even offered her money and begged her not to stop. She was going through the female version of musk and now she has a baby.
Sincerely,
Ben Affleck
Dear Aflac,
The Rock is the least of your problems. If I were you, I’d be more worried about that duck that plays you in those insurance commercials. The truth is he’s a much better actor than you are and if you’re not careful, he could end up replacing you in everything. He’s already signed on to do the Gone Girl and Reindeer Games sequels, and rumor has it, he might play Daredevil if Disney decides to reboot the TV series now that they killed Netflix. And I think he’s fucking that nanny you left Jennifer Garner for.
At least Gilbert Gottfried is no longer doing the duck’s voice. Did you have anything to do with him getting fired? The new guy sounds just like him anyway, so I don’t think anyone even notices.
Anyway, my point is it’s not illegal to use karate on a duck. Even if you’re a “double black belt”, whatever that is.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Batfleck,
I’m sorry Hollywood has decided to go back to casting British guys as Batman. Those limey bastards already have James Bond but apparently that’s not good enough. They also had to take Batman, Spiderman, Dr. Strange, and Vision. There are probably others, but I can’t think of them right now. At first, I thought they cast Robert Pattinson because of all the bat-like experience he got playing Edward in those awesome Twilight movies. But if batness was such an important trait, why didn’t they bring the Aflac duck in to audition? Ducks are practically bats.
One way you could give those Brits a taste of their own medicine is by getting cast as the next James Bond. I know they’ve decided to go with a woman 007, but you’re pretty effeminate when you have your karate turned off. If you get it, you should totally play the part with your Southie accent. Brits still hate Boston on account of the whole Tea Party thing.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.H
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