Aries
You’ll finally bed your crush this weekend, and they sleep like a baby, which is to say that they piss and shit themselves and cry demanding to be picked up and soothed every 45 minutes. What a stupid expression.
Famous Aryans: Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler
Taurus
Your symbol is officially being changed from a bull to a jackass. You were always full of bullshit, hence the bull, but lately, your toothy laughter and obnoxious braying is more reminiscent of the rightfully demeaned jackass.
Famous Jackasses: Eeyore, Rocinante, Baba Looey
Gemini
Your actions and behaviors seem designed to create long-term problems for others, but that isn’t true at all. You just aren’t smart enough to think that far ahead. It’s closer to the truth to say that you’re just kind of cursed.
Famous Twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley, Vin Diesel and Paul Sinclair, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher
Cancer
People are beginning to connect their improved mood with your absence, but hey, at least they haven’t forgotten you completely.
Famous Cancers: Colon, Khloe Kardashian
Leo
When facing adversity, you have a tried and true response. First, you get as drunk as possible for as long as possible and pretend the problem will resolve itself. Then, when you finally realize that the problem won’t resolve itself, you get even drunker. You figure you’re finished anyway, so why bother trying. This suicidal resignation gives you an aura of confidence, which somehow impresses the right person at the right time and fixes all of your problems. Don’t count on that happening this time.
Famous Lions: Elsa, The Cowardly
Virgo
No one is sure what’s up with you, and no one really cares. You’re like a living piece of furniture, or a neglected houseplant that refuses to die. You’re just kind of there, and occasionally annoying.
Famous Virgos: Blake Lively, Adam Sandler
Libra
People think you’re easy to get along with, but that’s just because they’ve confused you with someone else. I know I gave you the same horoscope last week, but I honestly can’t figure out who you are.
Famous Libras: Kate Winslet, Jesse Eisenberg
Scorpio
You’re one of the few adults who still takes their horoscope seriously. I feel very, very sorry for you.
Famous Scorpions: Bill Gates, Drake
Sagittarius
You are, by far, the most annoying of the signs, and the most difficult to spell. The two are more connected than you realize. Think about that the next time you’re about to flirt with someone.
Famous Centaurs: Cheiron, Pholos
Capricorn
Another week has gone by, and still no bowel movement. All of those hours of trembling and cursing on the toilet, and for what? Not even a wet fart. It’s time to start considering suicide. The only thing that could make your situation worse would be if you were to start hiccuping uncontrollably, and I’ve got bad news for you. I would pull the trigger now, before the hiccups, to make sure you don’t botch it and just lobotomize yourself by accident. And I hear that when you die, you poop automatically.
Famous Poo: Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Winnie the Pooh
Aquarius
My blinding hatred for you makes it difficult to be objective, so I won’t even bother trying. You’re a manipulative, histrionic, hypocrite, and you’re getting old. No matter how many potions or diets or exercises you endure, decrepitude and death are imminent and nothing that you’ve ever done matters. Within five years of your death, you’ll be forgotten by everyone. Aside from a few dusty articles no one ever bothers to read, there will be no sign that you ever existed.
Famous Aquariums: The New England (Boston) Aquarium, The New York Aquarium
Pisces
It’s difficult to stay angry with someone who’s obviously mentally impaired, but somehow you make it easy. Maybe it’s the way you always turn the topic of conversation back to you, or your incoherent rants about whatever. Your stupidity makes you benign, but you’re still extremely annoying.
Famous Fish: Nemo, Dory, Mr. Limpet
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