Divine Advice For Greta Thunberg

Dear DA,

People are calling me a privileged, brainwashed, hypocrite who’s not as sciency as she pretends to be because of my irrational opposition to nuclear power. It really is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We’ve had this safe, clean, almost magical source of power since like forever and we’d rather go back to windmills because we’re idiots.

I’m also a vegan, which automatically makes me even more annoying.

Yes, I’m a privileged hypocrite, and like most teenagers, I’m dramatic, idealistic, and you just want to slap me and I probably deserve it. But since I have this privilege, shouldn’t I use it?

Anthropogenic climate change is a real problem and most adults don’t care because they figure they’ll be dead by then anyway or have their souls uploaded into the cloud and then downloaded back into Japanese sex robots. My generation is going to have to live with these science-denying sex robots, so what am I supposed to do?

Kate McKinnon is going to play me on SNL and I’ll probably be in Teen Vogue, but it’s not like I have any control over this. I’m sorry I couldn’t go the traditional American route of having a fat ass. If I was a hottie with a fat ass, hooray for booty! But I try to talk about a problem threatening your children and I’m a fame whore.

Pollution = bad. Why is this so difficult? If you weren’t such assholes there wouldn’t be any opportunities for a famewhore like me to begin with.

Sincerely,

Fame Whore Greta Thunberg


Dear Greta Garbo,

Science-denying Japanese Sex bots sound a lot like God-denying humans. Here’s a tip: pretending your creator doesn’t exist doesn’t make him disappear, nor does it absolve you of your obligation to him. Fossil fuels, windmills, solar, nuclear—what is any of it compared to the power of The Holy Spirit?

It’s true, most of the world wants to slap the shit out of you, but I actually think you’re hilarious. Listening to that silly accent of yours while you demand to be taken seriously has me rolling on the floor laughing (or ROTFL as you kids say). But the fact that Sweden is 80% atheist is no laughing matter. It means I will be building a trap door that goes directly from Stockholm to Hell. And whenever you smug assholes shrug off one of my miracles or blame all the world’s problems on organized religion, I’m going to open the ground underneath you, and down you’ll go into the pit of fire.

Make no mistake—climate change is real, and humans are responsible for it. And I’m pissed as hell that they’re taking a shit all over that beautiful world I created for everyone. I’m being metaphorical here—obviously, they do have to take actual shits sometimes, but…whatever, you know what I mean. Anyway, I appreciate all the bitching and moaning you’re doing because, well, as a 16-year-old girl from a lame-ass European country with no nukes, what else can you really do? But I hope you don’t expect anyone to actually give a shit. Your fifteen minutes will be over soon, and you’ll be back to talking about boy bands and unicorns or whatever. Nice try, though. Come back when you’re 7’ tall.

—Jesus Christ
p.s. Don’t worry about your ass. If you hang out here in America long enough, it’ll be fat eventually. Have you tried our corn dogs yet?


Dear Greta,

I see you’ve been hanging out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and that he’s lending you his car. No offense, but I think he’s an idiot. You’re only 16. How do you even have a driver’s license? I didn’t even realize they had cars in Sweden. I figured people just got around on jet skis since it’s so balls cold up there all the time. To be fair, I’ve only been there once—when I was looking for the Swedish Bikini Team. Imagine my disappointment when I found out they were just a bunch of American actresses promoting shitty American beer. I suppose I should have known. The whole concept is ridiculous. I mean what the Hell is a “bikini team?” When did modeling become a team sport?

If you ask me, better use of your time would be to actually start a Swedish Bikini Team. Be a pioneer. There are plenty of disaffected kids out there harping about climate change and humanitarian issues or whatever, but nobody’s out there talking about things that truly matter, such as the world’s bikini team shortage. Now, if I’m being honest, you aren’t currently model material, and by all projections I’ve seen, you’re only going to get more homely as you progress through puberty. That’s where I come in. Make a deal with me, and I’ll turn you into a bigger-titted version, Charlize Theron.

You may find my offer insulting or even offensive, but hear me out. Models are the only women that American men are willing to listen to. The problem is, most models are airheads. You’ve already got the brains, so let me give you the missing piece of the puzzle. All I ask from you in return is your soul. You probably don’t even believe in the existence of a soul, so what do you have to lose?

—The Devil

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.
H. Seitz

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