Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough.
If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring.
For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks.
Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna.
You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the movie or even remembers it, does that make me a hypocrite?
Dear Emma Stone,
Short answer: yes, it still counts.
I get it. As a woman, you know your career will be dead as soon as that first wrinkle appears and/or you turn 40. And given how weird and stretched-out your face already is, those crow’s feet lines are going to show up sooner rather than later. Therefore, you probably feel you don’t have the luxury of turning down roles for ideological reasons. Well guess what—you can’t use ageism as an excuse to be complicit in whitewashing. In the early 20th century, women’s suffrage movement suffered from that very thing. I won’t go into the details because I don’t remember them and I don’t feel like looking it up. The fact is you’re already richer than most actors ever get to be and if you never work another day in your life, you’ll be just fine. And the rest of the world would be fine with that, too. It turns out too much Emma Stone is a lot like too much Jonah Hill or Bradley Cooper, which is significantly worse than too much Jennifer Lawrence or Amy Adams. Honestly, I’m kind of hoping for a Lindsay Lohan comeback. Ha, like that’s ever going to happen.
—Jesus the Christ
Dear Emma Stone,
To be honest you could never fill the Lindsay Lohan void. Your tits are much smaller and you’re not nearly as cute. And the fact is you’re so pasty that even taking over a Lindsay Lohan role would be considered whitewashing. That said, I do think you’d be perfect in the Herbie reboot I’m directing. You’d be working opposite David Hasselhoff who plays the car. Not just the voice of the car—he turns into a car, like in that disturbing 80’s cartoon Turbo-Teen, where the kid’s mouth stretches wide and his teeth become the grill. Anyway, I just thought it would be funny to make Hasselhoff a car. There’s also going to be another Knight Rider reference when KITT shows up being driven by Zombie Ted Knight. Sure, that one’s risky (who the Hell remembers Ted Knight?) but I’m the kind of filmmaker who likes to take risks. Full disclosure, you’d be taking some significant risks, too, as your part does call for some hardcore sex. But don’t worry—it’s not gratuitous. It all serves “the story.” How do you feel about having a windshield wiper shoved into your pussy?
—Satan the Director
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.