I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it.
So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit.
Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind of ass you just want to stick your dick into and that’s all you can think about if you’re anywhere in the vicinity of that ass. I have a strong feeling she might be my daughter or cousin and I don’t fucking care. Like I said, I’ve been living in a fucking cave. Ass is ass, and incest has never bothered me. I tried to fuck my own sister before in the worst fucking way, and by that I mean I played the long game. I was coy and took my time like I wanted to marry my own goddamn sister.
My daughter (I’m just going to call her that because it turns me on) has a nose like a little piglet, and that fucking turns me on because I want the whole hog, son. Sometimes, you need to eat the entire animal to feel satisfied, and I’m not talking about a duck. Chinese people eat entire fucking ducks all the time. I’m talking about a cock and balls, fully horned, adult grown fucking wild boar, and that’s what my daughter reminds me of. I’ve only seen that kind of raw strength once before, and I regret not hopping on that shit.
I thought I had a question but I don’t. I’m going to hit that shit the first chance I get. I’ll be like a motherfucking bunny, hopping all over that shit. She’s probably a prude like her prude ass motherfucking Irish cousins, but give her a few months in my motherfucking cave and she’ll be ready to suck a grapefruit through a crazy straw. Fucking white bitches, am I right?
Luke Fucking Skywalker, Son
Well, you didn’t ask a question, so I guess any advice I give would be unsolicited, unappreciated, and I’m assuming it would go ignored. The truth is, I’m kind of at a loss dealing with the issues you brought up. Mostly because the Bible is riddled with deviant sexual behavior so I’d be a little hypocritical if I told you to steer clear of all that. The truth is, the Old Testament has always been problematic for me it terms of insisting that you humans adhere to some kind of moral standard. For a while, I tried focusing on the New Testament, but even that has its issues. It’s a little iffy on slavery, for example. Honestly, I think the whole book could use a re-write. I just haven’t had the time, what with the world going to shit and all. I promise I’ll have a new draft out in time for The Apocalypse.
Anyway, getting back to your letter. If you didn’t want to fuck Princess Leia, you would have been the only person in the galaxy who felt that way. In fact…do we even know for sure that you didn’t fuck her? I usually try to avoid spoilers, so I don’t know much about this next movie. But let’s say Pig Nose is your daughter. Who would her mother be? There aren’t any other females in the galaxy besides your sister, it seems. At least not human ones. I guess there’s Mon Mothma, but I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian. I’ll bet when Pig Nose asks you about her mother, you’re probably going to make up some bullshit story like the one Obi Wan told you about your father. Well, trust me—you won’t be fooling anyone.
So, I know I said I wasn’t going to bother giving you advice, but I changed my mind. Please don’t fuck Pig Nose. It’ll really creep everyone out.
—Jesus the Disturbed
Dear Luther Campbell,
I have to say that I am a HUGE fan. “Me So Horny” is basically my theme song. I’m sorry you had to go through all that lawsuit bullshit with George Lukas, but don’t worry—he’ll get his. Although he hasn’t committed any real sins, whiny fans have demanded that he be sent to Hell for destroying their childhoods. His main punishment will be a daily ass pounding from none other than Jar Jar Binks himself. And let me tell you, Gungan dicks are nasty. They are barbed like cat dicks, but because they’re 14” long and 6” thick, they do a lot more damage. Anyway, is there any way you can make a 2 Live Crew reunion happen? I know Fresh Kid Ice died recently, but if you could somehow bring everyone else back, it would really make me happy. And, believe me, I can make it worth your while. Babes n’ Biscuits. Is that a thing? If not, it should be. Maybe you can put it in a song on the reunion album.
—Satan the Gushing Fan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.