Dear Jesus and Satan,
Something bad happened to my friend Harvey Weinstein and I’m looking for advice on how I can help him. Maybe you saw in the news, but some mean girls have been saying he sexually harassed them and that he groped them and raped them and whatnot. The thing is, he’s really a good guy once you get to know him. Sure sometimes he likes rubbing up against hot girls and maybe touching their boobs and stuff, and yeah, also he takes his dick out a lot, but that’s just Harvey being Harvey. If these ladies didn’t want a bloated Hollywood exec forcing himself on them, they shouldn’t have tried to be movie stars. Maybe they should be secretaries or seamstresses instead. Anyway, so now the media is being really mean to Harvey and he got fired from his company and he’s in all sorts of trouble. He may never be able to grope another actress or ejaculate into a potted plant in public again. And if he can’t do those things, I’m afraid it’ll kill him. So, yeah, tell me what I can do to help him. I’m especially open to suggestions that involve sucking his dick. God, I miss the taste of his cum.
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Might I suggest sucking his dick? I’m kidding, of course. People say I’m too serious, so I’m trying to lighten up. Anyway…
Listen, I realize you’re batshit crazy and an out-of-control lush, but you really have to get your head out of your ass. Back when you first turned eighteen and were making the jump from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to the artistically legitimate Mean Girls it probably seemed like a good career move to sit on old Uncle Harvey’s lap and let his hands creep up the back of your shirt and accidentally unhook your bra. Well, you’re not a kid anymore. Judging by recent photos of you, you’re 31 going on 50. Your face has been beaten by the harsh baseball bat of life as you’ve pissed away your future. The treatment centers you keep checking into can’t be cheap, and you’re eventually going to run out of that Herbie Fully Loaded money. That means you’re probably going to have to work again. Times are changing, though, and if the fall of Harvey Weinstein is any indication of things to come, you’re going to have to change your attitude. The rest of the world knows Weinstein is a disgusting human being guilty of unspeakable acts against the woman he’s worked with. There was a time where defending a guy like that was the thing you needed to do to save your career, but doing so now just makes you look like an idiot. Of course, people already knew you were an idiot, but siding with a sexual predator is an all new level of idiocy. If there’s any chance of salvaging your career and/or your dignity, you have to get on the right side of this thing before it’s too late. Honestly, it’s probably already too late, but you should still at least try to turn things around. You’ve done a lot of stupid shit in your life that I’m not cool with, and so far I’ve been more than patient. I’m watching you, though, and if you don’t pull your shit together, you’re going to feel my wrath. This will most likely come in the form of devastating STD’s, as that’s kind of my go-to punishment these days. You have a lot of the more common ones already, so maybe you’re thinking I can’t make it that much worse. Believe me, you don’t want to test me. And as for continuing your punishment in the afterlife, well, let’s just say, “I know a guy.”
—Jesus The Bringer of Good News
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
It sounds to me like you genuinely care about Harvey Weinstein in a “more than friends” kind of way. Well, the cold hard truth of the matter is, there’s really no way you can help him. At least not up there on earth. He fucked up in ways he can never come back from and his fate is sealed. But that doesn’t mean you two can’t be together down here in Hell someday. He’ll be arriving here in six months after he suffers a massive heart attack during a night of what we in Hell like to refer to as “The Triple H”—hot dogs, heroin, and hookers (our apologies to the wrestler Triple H. We came up with this phrase long before his WWE gimmick). Now, normally a guy like Harvey would reside on a lower level of Hell than the one you’ll be on, where he’d receive much harsher punishment. However, I think I could make an exception in your case and shack the two of you up together in his cell. That way, you’ll get to guzzle all the Weinstein cum you could ever want. In fact, I think I’ll make that one of your torments. It’ll be like waterboarding, but with Weinstein cum. And for your part, you’ll also be involved in his torture. Three times daily, you’ll be required to slam his dick between two Bibles when he exposes himself to you. Your afterlives are going to be so intertwined that at some point your rotting bodies with end up fused together. Who am I to stand in the way of true love, right?
—Satan The Bringer of Better News
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.