Divine Advice For Mark Twain

Dear Divine Advice,

Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet?

Mark Twain

Dear Mark Twain,

I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d love to have you up here in heaven with us, but rules are rules. Anyway, as a token of good faith, I’m going to send you Mary Tyler Moore for a week of hot, kinky sex. As it turns out, she’s always wanted to fuck Albert Einstein and you two look similar enough. Einstein, of course, is in hell for leaving his first wife in order to fuck his first cousin. Have fun!

—Jesus the Merciful

Dear Mark Twain,

To answer your second question, we do still use the toilet down here in hell—but not for its earthly purpose. Down here, the toilet is often incorporated into elaborate torture schemes. For instance, I’ve got a toilet with shark teeth on the under side of the seat which snaps down on Einstein’s dick whenever he tries to take a piss. After each time it happens, his memory of the event is erased to ensure that he falls for it again and again. Trust me, it’s hilarious.

—Lucifer the Merciless

H. Seitz
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