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Divine Advice For Adam Conover

October 7, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Big Breakfast

Dear DA, When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb. Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined. Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are. Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual…
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Divine Advice For Gwyneth Paltrow

October 9, 2017 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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