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Divine Advice for Rob Manfred

August 24, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Arturo Pardavila III

Dear DA, If you’re watching from up there, I apologize. What can I say? This is a mess. A bizarre, unmitigated mess. Teams keep getting COVID, Yankees keep getting injured, and of course, the Mets continue to be the bane of my existence. Something is wrong with them. Players like Cespedes decide they aren’t going to play anymore and just wander off, like they’re volunteering at a soup kitchen, and the Mets are totally fine with it. Can you imagine a player doing that on the Yankees? Or even just a regular guy doing that at his job? Literally just wandering off one day, after you just paid him millions of dollars?  It’s like the Mets just don’t get it, that they’re a professional baseball team, and that there are certain standards. Then they go and get COVID right before playing the Yankees, our biggest cash cow. I swear I…
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Divine Advice For Bartolo Colón

July 9, 2018 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
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