Dear DA,
Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal?
Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow.
Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident!
It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works.
But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty.
How do I convince the American people that the US government should spend billions of dollars on ancient technology that didn’t even really work well at the time? Heck, all you’d need is some rope and a little gumption–you wouldn’t even need a ladder. And most of these illegal immigrants just flew in on visas and never left. There’s actually a net decrease in the number of illegal immigrants, and if we build this wall, we’re going to need men out there to patrol it, and if you have men out there patrolling the border, you don’t really need the wall.
And it’s not like we don’t have other uses for all that money. Heck, the roads and bridges are a mess in some states, especially down south, and between you and me, that abstinence-only sexual education program we’ve been pushing really needs some work. You’d think it’d be simple, just don’t let any penises into your vaginas, but these girls just aren’t getting it. We’ve tried showing them diagrams of what not to do, we got them these little promise rings like the chips you give to recovering alcoholics; we even got them brand new bibles and nothing! If anything, even more of them are getting pregnant. I know it’s old-fashioned to say so, but females just aren’t cut out for science. Just how much more evidence do those liberals need?
This wall business has got me all in a tizzy. What these Democrats don’t seem to understand is that while a coherent policy might be effective and all, you can’t really see it or touch it. You need a big, physically impressive structure; something that the American people can be proud of. Who cares if the damn thing works? It’d actually be a nightmare if it did. We need that cheap labor. If we wanted to stop illegal immigration, all we’d have to do is prosecute the people who hired them. Problem solved.
I don’t know how you guys do it. Being in charge is a lot of hard work. People don’t understand just how hard it is. Governments don’t just shut themselves down.
You’ve been getting people to believe in nonsense for millennia. If there’s any advice you could give me about this wall business, it’d be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Dear Mitch McConnell,
Guys like you make me want to revert to my Old Testament ways. Has anyone ever told you you’d make an excellent a pillar of salt? Man, it’s been so long since I’ve “salted” someone, I’m not even sure I remember how to do it. Of course, that’s why I hired The Devil.
I’m not one to micromanage. I usually stay out of Satan’s hair and let him do his thing. However, in your case, it sometimes cheers me up to ask him about what he has in store for you when you finally kick the bucket. I won’t spoil the surprise by giving you details, but there will be cobras. Robotic cobras that are on fire.
—Jesus Christ
p.s. You’ve ruined turtles for me. They used to be one of my favorite creations, but now I can’t even look at them. I’ll probably end up drastically evolving them once you’re gone. Maybe I’ll give them wings.
Dear Mitch,
Just start telling people the wall has already been built. Very few people will actually see for themselves that you’re lying, and the rest will just take your word for it like they always do. The mainstream media will call you out, but as usual, those outlets will be dismissed as fake news. Things might be a bit more problematic for Fox News, as I’m sure one of their saner reporters such as Shepard Smith will refuse to play ball. No need to worry about him though—ever since he debunked that Uranium One nonsense, he’s lost all credibility with your base.
Tell people the wall is huge and beautiful and that Mexico paid for it. And that it only cost $500. Then, the next time you need another government shutdown or whatever, turn your attention to Canada. Maybe it’s time we build a wall at our northern border, too. Canadians are a sneaky bunch, aren’t they? And since so many of them are white, it’s hard to tell them apart from real Americans. You might want to hold off on the Canada campaign, though, until Rand Paul gets back from his hernia surgery.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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