Tag Archive: Zooey Deschanel

Horoscopes For 1.11.19

Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues.   Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell…
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Divine Advice For Katy Perry

Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
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TV Review: Bones

Bones TV-MA Bones is the kind of show you leave on in the background while vacuuming. It will live on in syndication forever because housewives and the unemployed need something to distract themselves from the sad state of affairs they call existence. Instead of getting drunk or looking for a job, they can just turn on TNT and phase out until suppertime. And then get drunk. I made it through season one of Bones and I still have no idea what it’s about. Like Charmed, The Closer, and most TNT fare, Bones is hypnotic in its banality. Even when they’re doing something that should be interesting, like discovering a corpse or chasing down a bad guy, it’s bland. I keep expecting one of them to ask me to switch to Splenda or try H&R Block’s accounting software.   David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel have all the chemistry of an ant…
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