Tag Archive: World Series

Divine Advice for Derek Jeter

Hi guys, I’m technically a Catholic, but not a practicing one. I’ve committed the sin of using birth control thousands of times, including premarital sex, and I’m also superstitious. I’ve invoked the ghost of Babe Ruth several times, which is technically worshiping a false idol, and that alone is enough to get me crucified, but am I really such a bad guy? No disrespect intended, but I’m a mere mortal, and I came through in the clutch when it mattered the most, and you guys–well, to put it politely, haven’t. I’m more of an old-school player, but stats can be useful, and based on the stats, I wouldn’t trust either of you in a high-pressure situation. For supposedly all-powerful phantoms, you guys are kind of lousy and indifferent. I just don’t think you have the competitive drive to win a World Series, let alone save the world, and the numbers…
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Divine Advice For Bartolo Colón

Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
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