Tag Archive: Tulsi Gabbard

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 2

Original photo by David Lienemann

Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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Divine Advice For Bernie Sanders 2

Dear Characters from Christian Mythology, As you know, I suspended my presidential bid this week, and my supporters are none too happy about it. They blame the Democratic establishment for marginalizing our progressive values, undermining our revolution, and conspiring against my campaign. Obviously, they’re right. The problem is Donald Trump is still our president and he’s making things worse every second of every day. How can I convince my tribe of Bernie Bros that Joe Biden may be a creepy hair-sniffing fossil with dementia, but we still need him to win in November? It might take another four years for the country to get it’s head out of it’s ass, but we don’t have that kind of time. Sincerely, Bernie Sanders Dear Bernie, It’s adorable that you still think there’s going to be an election in November. Anyway, there’s only one way to keep your disciples from losing hope—you have…
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Divine Advice For Tulsi Gabbard

Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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