Tag Archive: Tim Tebow

Divine Advice For Lucifer

Hi Jesus, I know we didn’t always get along, but I do want to make the world a better place and hopefully, you’ll postpone The Apocalypse again. You have to stop sending every baseball player to hell, or expediting their weird “deals” with me.  One told me he’d give up the rest of his life if I gave him a 100mph fastball. I asked if he wanted anything else, like maybe to win the World Series, or also be able to hit, and he said “nah.” 70% of the people I see in hell are baseball players. It almost makes me miss the Old Testament times, but I don’t–really, I don’t.  I know I’m supposed to be “evil,” but ever since you relaxed your standards, especially the confession at the end and you go to heaven!” bullshit (even for me, that seems fucked up), my game has been off. Torturing…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Colin Kaepernick

Dear DA, When it comes to protesting, we just can’t seem to get it right. So for taking a peaceful knee before a football game, I humbly apologize. When most Americans stand for the national anthem in front of 60,000 spectators before starting their shift, they don’t take a knee, no matter how much revenue they generate for the league or how little the league cares about issues directly impacting their communities. So if they can suck it up, I suppose I can, too. These poor people already had to hear about minorities being brutalized on the news, and there I go making them think about it again on gameday? Haven’t they already suffered enough? Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Tens of thousands of veterans died defending our right to blindly worship a piece of cloth, and I should respect them by respecting that piece of cloth…
Read more

Share this post: