Tag Archive: Ted Cruz

Divine Advice For AOC 4

Dear DA, Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene yelling at me as she followed me down the hallway? I had tried to bond with her as a woman by talking about The Handmaid’s Tale. Surprise, surprise, she had never read it. She even chastised me for reading anything other than the holy scriptures. I asked her if she read the bills presented before congress and she looked at me like she was baffled. But she had seen the show, and she thought it was real–like it was actually happening in America. At this point, who knows? Maybe she’s right. Still, she shook her head, and I thought we had finally found some common ground. In case you don’t know, the book and the show are about a government of religious zealots who oppress women through constant abuse, defilement, and rape. Marjorie told me she liked the show, but that the government of…
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Divine Advice for Andrew Cuomo 3

Dear Divine Advice, I’m sitting here in utter disbelief that the PC thugs actually won. I really thought I could Trump my way through this, but I guess not. Apparently, all politicians can get away with murdering geezers and bullying staffers to cover it up, but only Republicans can survive a #METOO moment. I still don’t know why that slide show of me groping all those people didn’t convince everyone that I wasn’t a creep. It shouldn’t count as sexual harassment if you also do it to men. And why wasn’t anyone satisfied with my “I’m just Italian” excuse? Everyone knows that all Italian men have magnets in their hands that are attracted to women’s asses. Also, we like to eat spaghetti and attack giant gorillas who are throwing barrels at us. Anyway, my question is, now that I won’t be Governor any more, how can I trick hot young…
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