Tag Archive: Superman

Divine Advice For Jean-Luc Picard

Dear DA, A lot of people might be wondering why I came back, aside from the money and the fame and the mild dementia. The truth is, I’m not quite sure myself. But what I missed most of all, aside from my many space adventures, was fucking with the crew. I loved calling them in, especially Worf, and letting him have it. I’d scream at him “That is the most reprehensible behavior I have ever seen, and it will not be tolerated onboard the Enterprise! Dismissed!” Then when he was halfway out the door, I’d say “Worf, you are without a doubt one of the finest officers I have ever served with. In your place, I would have done the same.” He would pause, confused, then leave. The crew was on eggshells during my entire command. They had no idea whether they were coming or going, or what I approved…
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Divine Advice For Vin Diesel

Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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Divine Advice For Don Lemon

Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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Movie Review- Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Rated PG Return of the Jedi is a symbolic exploration of the difficulties involved in expediting the elusive female orgasm. This theme has been taken up by more recent films such as Man of Steel and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and was touched upon by the original Star Wars film released in 1977, but nowhere is it as explicit as in Return of The Jedi. The Death Star, like the Empire, is barren and sterile. All is male, grey, and English. Cloaked within this cynicism is the somehow subtle manifestation of death as a feminine sphere, hinting that within death lays the potential for new life. This is most obviously, and prudishly, illustrated by The Force Awakens, in which the destruction of Starkiller Base (aka The Death Star 2.0) culminates with its rebirth as a star. Likewise in Man of Steel, when the…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses DWB (Driving While Black)

Hulk drive car other day, Hulk drive good, but immediately cop pull Hulk over. He ask license, registration. Hulk confused. Hulk no remember how Hulk end up in car. Cop ask Hulk step out car, do sobriety test. He call Hulk in radio, radio tell Hulk only have Learner’s permit, need supervision experienced driver. Also, car registered Bruce Banner. Who Bruce Banner? Hulk no know. Cop mad, shift almost over, now, must wait tow truck. Car no reported stolen, so Hulk OK. Hulk hear on news, dangerous drive while black, dangerous drive while monster, so Hulk always bring tape recorder. Hulk fall asleep, wake up in car other side of town. Hulk listen to tape recorder, cop ask “who you?”, man answer Bruce Banner, tell cop he supervise Hulk, Hulk drive to park car while in bathroom. Bruce Banner naked, cop try arrest indecent exposure. Bruce Banner drive away and…
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Movie Review- The Shadow

“There is no Shadow. If there were, I’d be Eleanor Roosevelt.” That’s an actual thing Jonathan Winters says while under the influence of the Shadow’s Jedi mind powers. The line was likely improvised by the comedic legend in one of his tiny show-stealing moments of screen time. Russell Mulcahy’s underappreciated 1994 masterpiece The Shadow is one of the best comic book movies of all time. Yes, I know—most people would not agree with that statement. The movie was a huge flop at the box office and has since been all but forgotten. The day was Tuesday, July 5, 1994, and my friends and I were embarking on another one of our “Two-for-Tuesday” adventures. That’s where we would pay to see one movie, then hide in the bathroom afterward for a little while before sneaking back into the theater to see a second movie without paying. It wasn’t what you’d call legal,…
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