Tag Archive: Satan

Divine Advice For Jared Fogle

Why not #metoo? Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago. So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation? For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society. I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For James Gunn

Dear DA, My wife is Jenna Fischer, AKA America’s Sweetheart. You know, the smoking hot secretary from The Office? Not the redheaded one, the original one. She is obviously way out of my league. I look like the kind of guy, if you were my high school principal and I complained to you that someone punched me in the face, you’d look at me for a few seconds and just kind of nod your head and say “yeah, I can see that happening to you.” Anyway, I love my wife. She’s one of those chameleon ladies who can look like an entirely new lady if she puts her hair into pigtails or wears glasses or braces. It tricks your body into thinking you’re fucking a new lady, which is what your body wants because of science. Back in 2006 or so, I was telling her how grateful I was to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Robosexual

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Concerned Witch

Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Dustin Hoffman

Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey 2

Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Tom Cruise 2

Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Anne Hathaway

Dear DA, I have a reputation for being a crazy bitch, but the last 18 years have been stressful for me. Ever since The Princess Diaries was released in 2001, I’ve been working out three hours a day six days a week, and my diet has consisted of nothing but celery, yogurt, and one peanut a month. It’s difficult to be “perky” when you’re living on 400 calories a day and constantly exercising. I was finally getting used to it when I had to wear that catsuit in the Batman movie. They raised me up to four peanuts a week so I could build some muscle mass, but I was almost 30 at that point and it was hard to go back to just one peanut when we were done shooting. Now I’m 35, or as women actors in Hollywood call it, six years past my expiration date. I haven’t…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Bartolo Colón

Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
Read more

Share this post: