Tag Archive: NASCAR

Divine Advice For Brian Kemp

Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
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Divine Advice For COVID-19

Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
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Divine Advice For Joe the Plumber

Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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Divine Advice For Colin Kaepernick

Dear DA, When it comes to protesting, we just can’t seem to get it right. So for taking a peaceful knee before a football game, I humbly apologize. When most Americans stand for the national anthem in front of 60,000 spectators before starting their shift, they don’t take a knee, no matter how much revenue they generate for the league or how little the league cares about issues directly impacting their communities. So if they can suck it up, I suppose I can, too. These poor people already had to hear about minorities being brutalized on the news, and there I go making them think about it again on gameday? Haven’t they already suffered enough? Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Tens of thousands of veterans died defending our right to blindly worship a piece of cloth, and I should respect them by respecting that piece of cloth…
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Divine Advice for NASCAR President Mike Helton

Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
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Divine Advice For Paul Ryan

Dear Jesus Christ and Satan, Why can’t people understand that there’s never a good time to do anything? I wear red baseball caps and workout and eat lots of cheese just like a regular American, so why is everybody so mad at me? When you react to something right after it happens, that is, technically, a knee-jerk reaction, even if that something has already happened a lot of times frequently. So you wait to react and then something else happens and we forget all about the other thing until it happens again and, well, you can’t make a knee-jerk reaction to that, either, right? It’s wrong to politicize tragedy. But in a democratic republic, you have to politicize things in order to affect change, so surely you can see my dilemma? The only thing I can really do is nothing. And we should wait until all the facts are in.…
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