Tag Archive: Mickey Mouse
The Skull Island Times > Mickey Mouse
H. Seitz
December 2, 2019
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Disney, Jesus, Mickey Mouse, Satan, Starbucks, The Twilight Zone
Dear DA, You ever see the episode of The Twilight Zone where the lady rubs cream on her face that makes her young and beautiful, but every time it wears off, she’s like super old and even uglier, so she has to keep using it like every four hours or something or she’ll turn into a deformed old troll if she stops? Yeah, that. And Disney also has me on these puberty-blocking hormones so I have the body of an 11-year old even though I’m really 103 (long story). So I’m stuck in this weird place where I have grey pubic hair and no boobs and I have to keep smearing this cream all over myself or I’ll turn into a ghost, and the cream is like $79 a bucket and all I have are these e-coins. I guess this is the price of pop perfection, and the deal I…
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H. Seitz
November 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Avatar, Baby Yoda, Bob Seger, Disney World, Dr. Jekyll, Draco, Elsa, Ewan McGregor, Fox, Frozen, Hillary Clinton, Home Depot, James Bond, Jesus, Marvel, Michael Epstein, Mickey Mouse, Moana, Mr. Hyde, Obi Wan Kenobi, Pornhub, Reptilian, Robert Allen Iger, Satan, Star Wars, Terminator Dark Fate, The Mandalorian, Walt Disney
Dear Jesus and Satan, You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others. Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad. We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4. The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby…
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H. Seitz
September 2, 2019
Divine Advice
abortion, Anakin Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Disney, Ewan McGregor, Ewoks, Force Ghost, Hayden Christensen, Jar Jar Binks, Jedi, Jesus, Kevin James, King of Queens, Leah Remini, Luke, Mickey Mouse, Natalie Portman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Padme, Satan, Sir Alec Guinness, Slave Leia, Star Wars, Tatooine
Dear DA, I’m writing in as Ben Kenobi because this question pertains to the time I spent as Ben Kenobi. You might have noticed that Tatooine doesn’t have much of a need for skilled laborers aside from mechanics or computer techs (damn droids/immigrants), and aside from sword fighting, which would be too suspicious, and being really bad at diplomacy, which actually helps you to be a successful diplomat (if you can never solve any problems, there’s your job security right there—unless of course, a war breaks out, which they inevitably do), I have no marketable skills. Or at least that’s what I thought. There are slaves on Tatooine and other problems, and like most places, you need someone to solve those problems, illegally or not. As I can feel the Force flowing through all living things, I made an incredibly good exterminator. There wasn’t much prestige in that, but I…
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