Tag Archive: Joe Biden
The Skull Island Times > Joe Biden
H. Seitz
August 10, 2020
Divine Advice
Chuck E. Cheese, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Jim Harris, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, Mike Pence, Satan, WWE
Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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H. Seitz
June 1, 2020
Divine Advice
Amy Klobuchar, Andrew Yang, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Beyonce, Bringing Down the House, Derek Chauvin, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gene Wilder, George Floyd, Jell-O, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Pocahontas, Silver Streak, Skittles, Steve Martin, Tulsi Gabbard
Original photo by David Lienemann
Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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RK Galaga
April 13, 2020
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Satan, Tulsi Gabbard
Dear Characters from Christian Mythology, As you know, I suspended my presidential bid this week, and my supporters are none too happy about it. They blame the Democratic establishment for marginalizing our progressive values, undermining our revolution, and conspiring against my campaign. Obviously, they’re right. The problem is Donald Trump is still our president and he’s making things worse every second of every day. How can I convince my tribe of Bernie Bros that Joe Biden may be a creepy hair-sniffing fossil with dementia, but we still need him to win in November? It might take another four years for the country to get it’s head out of it’s ass, but we don’t have that kind of time. Sincerely, Bernie Sanders Dear Bernie, It’s adorable that you still think there’s going to be an election in November. Anyway, there’s only one way to keep your disciples from losing hope—you have…
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RK Galaga
March 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Anderson Cooper, Andrew Yang, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Democratic National Committee, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Hillary Clinton, International Women's Day, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Melania Trump, Satan, Trumpers, Tulsi Gabbard, UBI, universal basic income
Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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H. Seitz
July 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, Bernie Sanders, Democrat, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Freedom Dividend, Jesus, Jill Stein, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Marianne Williamson, MSNBC, NBC, Pete Buttigieg, Satan, The Devil, Yang Gang
Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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H. Seitz
April 29, 2019
Divine Advice
Bernie Sanders, Cory Booker, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Ellen DeGeneres, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Modern Family, Pete Buttigieg, Will and Grace
Dear DA, I know I’m old and tired and not very “woke,” but I’m probably about as good as it’s going to get for the American people right now, so I’m throwing my hat into the ring or the election or whatever the hell it is. What I mean to say is that I’m running for president, and I think I have decent shot. They way I see it, after a black guy like Obama, having a woman right after him was just too much. They, or I guess, “we,” needed a sleazy, crazy, old white guy to restore the balance of whatever the hell defines this country. Beer, guns, lesbians, I don’t know. I’m old. And that’s kind of the point. Most of us living today are used to old white guys being president, just one old white fart after another, year after year, decade after decade. It barely…
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