Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Anita Sarkeesian

Dear DA, Our country is torn apart like never before (except for maybe the Civil War), but our biggest problem by far is sexy female butts in video games. It starts with the video games, but before you know it they’re out on the streets, staring at butts. So many sexy butts in yoga pants and miniskirts, white stockings to the mid thigh, black leather boots just above the knees. They become obsessed with female butts. So much so it becomes the most important thing in their lives. Almost like a crusade. An insane crusade to dominate and constrain the female butt. To tell the female butt where it does and does not belong and how it’s supposed to dress and behave not only in public, but even in the privacy of its own home or bathroom or phone. These butts are unrealistic because they’re too realistic. Most butts don’t…
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Divine Advice For Tomi Lahren

Dear Jesus (for Jesus only, not Satan!), I’ve been told that I’m like a younger, colder Megyn Kelly, and my boyish first name and build appeal to closeted homosexuals everywhere. This, obviously, makes me perfect for Fox News. Crisis actors are a real thing. The libtard left fakes 9/11, moon landings, and mass shootings in order to never pass gun control legislation anyway. It’s all so obvious. So what I’d like to ask about today are the real victims. The salt of the earth, everyday Americans whose voices are shunned. That’s right, I’m talking about the so-called “conspiracy theorists.” Just because some people have no understanding of grade school science, no evidence to back up their claims, and have lost touch with reality in general, that doesn’t mean that their point of view is any less valid than anyone else’s. This is what America is about. Equality. Is the earth…
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Divine Advice For Paul Ryan

Dear Jesus Christ and Satan, Why can’t people understand that there’s never a good time to do anything? I wear red baseball caps and workout and eat lots of cheese just like a regular American, so why is everybody so mad at me? When you react to something right after it happens, that is, technically, a knee-jerk reaction, even if that something has already happened a lot of times frequently. So you wait to react and then something else happens and we forget all about the other thing until it happens again and, well, you can’t make a knee-jerk reaction to that, either, right? It’s wrong to politicize tragedy. But in a democratic republic, you have to politicize things in order to affect change, so surely you can see my dilemma? The only thing I can really do is nothing. And we should wait until all the facts are in.…
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Divine Advice For Melania Trump

Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
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Divine Advice For Louis C. K.

Dear Jesus and Satan, What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Let me try to wrap my head around this. I asked women if I could jerk off in front of them. If they said no, I didn’t. If they said yes, I did. So what the fuck did I do wrong? Sure, it’s a creepy question. I’m a creepy guy and I’m into creepy shit. So I ask people if they’re up to it. Does a woman’s word mean nothing? Seriously, do women have no agency or accountability? The argument is that I’m rich and privileged, so they felt forced. Would they have felt any better if I was a homeless guy? Seriously, what the fuck? I am not responsible for what other people feel. I don’t have a lot of control over that. What if I had asked her to watch my dog? That one woman says I…
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Divine Advice For T.D.

Dear Divine Advice, I have been carrying a huge burden for many years, and it’s time to finally come clean. Once when I was working on “Who’s the Boss”, I smoked a marijuana cigarette. I know, I know….it’s awful, and I am so upset about it. It was right before one of my typical coke-filled orgies with Judith Light and Katherine Helmond, you know “Angela” and “Mona”. Man, I have so many wonderful memories of those gang-bang sessions. Since we were all married at the time, it was even more exciting, and I liked to force the camera folks to record our sessions, just to save the moment. For some reason, Mrs. Rossini…yes, I forget her real name, stumbled upon our session that day, and I believe it was Judith that suggested we chop her up and throw her into the ocean. I’m not sure if it was the cocaine…
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Divine Advice For Dennis Rodman

Dear DA, I fucked Madonna. No matter what you think of her, no matter how freaky and creepy she looks nowadays, she’s a crazy little five foot nothing white girl and I’m an enormous black guy. To me, that says something great. I’ve never been the most stable guy, and now I’m the only American ambassador to North Korea. It’s heavy, dude. Or dudes. I’ve been under pressure before. I played on championship teams for Detroit and Chicago, but I had people like Isiah Thomas and Jordan and Pippen helping my ass. I knew my role. What I’ve got now is D. Trump. Despite the drugs, alcohol, being black, cross dressing, whatever you want to judge me for, believe me when I tell you, I’d rather have any one of those other guys as president. I’d rather have John Starks. Maybe it sounds like treachery and shit, but my boy…
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Divine Advice For Elon Musk

Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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Divine Advice For KITT

Dear DA, I spent the better part of the 80s with David Hasselhoff sitting on me. He farts constantly, he’s a slob, and I’m afraid he has schizophrenic dementia. He could hear me talking to him but he pretended he couldn’t. Needless to say, this made filming extremely difficult. When people tried to explain to him that I really could talk, he pretended not to hear them, either. In his mind, he was insane to be hearing a car talk to him and doubly insane to be hearing people try to convince him a car could talk. Either that or the other people and the car were insane. You could see his warped logic paralyzing him. In the end, he would just fart and walk away. I’m worried about David because now, there are a lot of cars that can talk. Even refrigerators and thermostats have started talking to people.…
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Divine Advice For Tobey Maguire

Dear DA, I’m a big strong man, but I identify as an androgynous little boy with an enormous clitorous. I talked to my doctor about this and he asked me if I was kidding with him. I told him that big strong men like me rarely kid. He told me I should see a psychiatrist, which I found to be extremely offensive. But he explained to me that body dysmorphia comes in many forms. Did you know there’s an experiment to test the self image of people with eating disorders? They look at a picture of themselves on a computer and are asked to adjust the picture until it looks like they do. People with bulimia and anorexia always adjust the picture to look way fatter than they actually are. Still, I don’t see what this has got to do with me. I’m a big strong man, not some androgynous…
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