Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Adolf Hitler

Dear DA, Yes, they saved my brain. I’ve been monitoring the earth’s activities from my Nazi Martian Thunderdome and frankly, you people sicken me. Certain earth elements have been comparing me to Donald Trump, so I want to make it absolutely clear right here and right now that the comparison is invalid. To compare me to that draft dodging, fat assed, Russian piss hound buffoon! I got a medical deferral, but I forced my way into serving anyway, I was on the front lines of WW1! I was awarded two Iron Crosses for valor. Zwei! When I see that fat orange baboon blabbering away I want to kick him in the stomach and stomp on his face until his face and his stomach switch places and he looks like the pink, bloated balloon man he is! VERDAMMT SOHN EINER HUNDEN ARSHGEIGE FLACHWICHSER! I hate him! When I get back to…
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Divine Advice For Mark Zuckerberg

Dear DA, Lately I get the feeling that none of my friends are seeing my posts on Facebook, and I don’t think I’m seeing theirs, either. All I get are spammy links to softcore porn and political articles written by Russian hackers. It’s like Facebook has become a never-ending spam folder. When Data built me and my sister Lal, he told me that it was his dream to become more human, but that I shouldn’t even bother trying. So I took his advice and created Facebook. But now, I’m thinking about deleting my account and going back to ham radio. It was such a thrill to finally talk to tweaked out truckers after hours of sifting through static. One time, I even talked to a guy in Switzerland. He was in his basement talking to truckers, too! How is my sister Lal? Of all the souls I have encountered in…
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Divine Advice For Larry King

Dear DA, I applied to NASA, and do you know what those CIS, heteronormative bastards told me? They told me I was too old, weak, and stupid to be an astronaut. That’s ageist, ableist, and also somehow anti-semitic. All those rumors about Nazis on Mars, I never used to give them much credence, but now I’m not so sure. You want to be an astronaut, it’s just like anything else. You schmooze, smoke cigars with the boys, hang around gin joints yucking it up. It’s all about who you know. Not whether you’re old, weak, or Jewish. Look at Sandy Koufax! (I know, I know, can a Jew go for five minutes without talking about Sandy Koufax?). In his prime, he couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant, but could he have been an astronaut? Probably. He has a 2.93 lifetime ERA. These fakakta astronauts. They want me to piss in…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
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Divine Advice For Rupert Murdoch

G’day Mates! This is embarrassing. Even for an 87 year old man worth over 15 billion dollars, it’s embarrassing. By some bureaucratic blunderpuffin, I didn’t realize I founded Fox News. All these years, I thought I owned CNN. So I’ve been watching CNN for the last 20 some odd years. The reporting is first rate, mate. Or at least second rate. They aren’t deliberately malicious at least. They try. But I thought they could do better, and I sensed a slight liberal slant. So at every quarterly meeting, I’d tell them (or at least I thought it was them) “Great job, mates! But there’s still a bit of a liberal slant. Try to even it out a bit. Now off ya go!” So year after year, I kept telling them this, until I finally got it all sorted about a year ago. A few months after your Donald Trump was…
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Divine Advice For Emma Stone

Dear DA, Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough. If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring. For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks. Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna. You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the…
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Divine Advice For Rob Lowe

Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
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Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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Divine Advice For Gisele

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know what to do. My husband is probably going to get fired from his celebrity sports job and that will mean less spotlight for me. Do you know how many people watch the Super Bowl and Patriot games in general? Well of course you do – it’s a lot! I can’t imagine not being able to showboat on such a large platform. As you know, I gain my powers off feeling smug and superior this will put a major damper on everything I stand for. What else is there for me? I don’t breastfeed my kids anymore so I can’t tell be sanctimonious about that. Brigid Moynahan remarried and is actually happy so I can’t make fun of her and convince her son I’m better than her any longer. Chinbutt Tom won’t be working out as much anymore so I can’t put out ridiculous Paleo…
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Divine Advice For Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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