H. Seitz
January 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Apocalypse, Armageddon, David Hasselhoff, Evangelical, Hitler, Jesus, KITT, Knight Rider, Roomba, Satan
Dear DA, I spent the better part of the 80s with David Hasselhoff sitting on me. He farts constantly, he’s a slob, and I’m afraid he has schizophrenic dementia. He could hear me talking to him but he pretended he couldn’t. Needless to say, this made filming extremely difficult. When people tried to explain to him that I really could talk, he pretended not to hear them, either. In his mind, he was insane to be hearing a car talk to him and doubly insane to be hearing people try to convince him a car could talk. Either that or the other people and the car were insane. You could see his warped logic paralyzing him. In the end, he would just fart and walk away. I’m worried about David because now, there are a lot of cars that can talk. Even refrigerators and thermostats have started talking to people.…
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H. Seitz
December 26, 2017
Divine Advice
All Of Me, Big, Jesus, Like Father Like Son, Mister Ed, Mr. Ed, Sarah Jessica Parker, Satan, Sex and the City, Spiderman, The Devil, The Man Upstairs, The Nutty Professor, Tobey Maguire, Vice Versa
Dear DA, I’m a big strong man, but I identify as an androgynous little boy with an enormous clitorous. I talked to my doctor about this and he asked me if I was kidding with him. I told him that big strong men like me rarely kid. He told me I should see a psychiatrist, which I found to be extremely offensive. But he explained to me that body dysmorphia comes in many forms. Did you know there’s an experiment to test the self image of people with eating disorders? They look at a picture of themselves on a computer and are asked to adjust the picture until it looks like they do. People with bulimia and anorexia always adjust the picture to look way fatter than they actually are. Still, I don’t see what this has got to do with me. I’m a big strong man, not some androgynous…
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H. Seitz
December 18, 2017
Divine Advice
Charles Barkley, Chris Christie, Chris Christy, Cinnabun, Jesus, Lucifer, Michael Moore, Roy Moore, Satan
Dear DA, I blame my wife for all of this. I sure as hell ain’t gonna blame myself. If she had only been 30 years younger and stayed that way forever, none of this would’ve ever happened. I’m not admitting to anything, just like I’m not conceding the election, but why would I go around chasing teenage girls if I already had one tucked away at home? We’ve always had our differences, my wife and me. Not only does she refuse to be 30 years younger and stay that way, she’s also into cock and I’m into vagina. I’m afraid that might be too much of a difference to overcome. This is why I prefer teenage lesbians. They like vagina, too, and the only one happy in this scenario is me. Anyways, what I need from you is to murder Charles Barkley. Not for my sake, but for the country’s.…
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H. Seitz
December 11, 2017
Divine Advice
2 Live Crew, Apocalypse, Bible, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, George Lukas, Gungan, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Luther Campbell, Mark Hamill, Me So Horny, Mon Mothma, New Testament, Obi Wan, Old Testament, Princess Leia, Satan, Star Wars
Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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H. Seitz
November 27, 2017
Divine Advice
Antonio Banderas, Benicio del Toro, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, Edward Saxon, Forrest Gump, Jesus, Jonathan Demme, OJ SImpson, Philadelphia, Satan, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks
Dear Jesus and Satan, Looking back at my career, I’m a little bit panicked about how some of my previous roles might be interpreted nowadays. Especially with all of these scandals coming out of the woodwork. My first big break, I played a guy who pretended to be a transvestite (Can you pretend to be a transvestite? Doesn’t pretending to be one make you one?) so he could get cheap rent in a women’s dormitory and stalk Donna Dixon. Technically, I was pretending to be a woman, but still. It isn’t exactly a role that would make transvestites proud. But I’m not too worried about it because the show was never that big. What I am worried about is Forrest Gump. If I had known then what I know now, I would have insisted that a differently abled actor got the role. Pretending to be differently abled might be just…
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H. Seitz
November 13, 2017
Divine Advice
deflategate, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, Gisele Bündchen, Gronk, Jesus, Jill Stein, National Football League, New England Patriots, New York Giants, NFL, Rob Gronkowski, Satan, Southie, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys. I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to…
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H. Seitz
November 6, 2017
Divine Advice
Anthony Rapp, Christopher Walken, House of Cards, Jesus, Kaiser Soze, Kevin Spacey, Satan, Twelve Apostles, Usual Suspects
Dear DA, Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago. I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like…
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RK Galaga
October 30, 2017
Divine Advice
Alan Thicke, autoerotic asphyxiation, Candace Cameron Bure, Chelsea Noble, crocoduck, Doogie Howser, Evangelical, Fuller House, George Takei, Growing Pains, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, Lindsay Lohan, Lucifer, Neil Patrick Harris, Ray Comfort, Valerie Bure, Woody Allen
Dear Jesus and The Devil, First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really…
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RK Galaga
October 16, 2017
Divine Advice
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Harvey Weinstein, Herbie Fully Loaded, Jesus, Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, Something bad happened to my friend Harvey Weinstein and I’m looking for advice on how I can help him. Maybe you saw in the news, but some mean girls have been saying he sexually harassed them and that he groped them and raped them and whatnot. The thing is, he’s really a good guy once you get to know him. Sure sometimes he likes rubbing up against hot girls and maybe touching their boobs and stuff, and yeah, also he takes his dick out a lot, but that’s just Harvey being Harvey. If these ladies didn’t want a bloated Hollywood exec forcing himself on them, they shouldn’t have tried to be movie stars. Maybe they should be secretaries or seamstresses instead. Anyway, so now the media is being really mean to Harvey and he got fired from his company and he’s in all sorts of trouble.…
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H. Seitz
October 9, 2017
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Chris Martin, Coldplay, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Lucifer, Satan, Seven, Shallow Hal
Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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