Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Vin Diesel

Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang

Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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Divine Advice For Val Kilmer

Dear Divine Advice, Eventually, we all become whatever Tom wants us to be. This Top Gun reboot or sequel or whatever it is is either going to kill me or save my life. Tom demands that I get back in shape, and not just decent shape for a guy my age shape, Ice Man shape. Ice Man had glutes on top of his glutes and an extra set of shoulders instead of a neck, he could walk around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel and still be intimidating. The only thing afraid of me now is the sundae bar at Friendly’s. They should make a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet and a sundae bar. Have you ever had a hot fudge sundae topped with mini egg rolls and duck sauce? The Golden Buffet has their “endless” chocolate fountain, but that’s a joke. How is five gallons “endless”? I figure…
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Divine Advice For Justin Long

Dear DA, What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened? Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and…
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Divine Advice For Terry Bradshaw

Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.    Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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Divine Advice For Pope Francis

Dear DA, It’s me, Pope Francis, your infallible representative here on earth. I think it’s safe to say I’m the best Pope ever, or at the very least the second best, right behind the Beatle Pope of the 80s, Pope John Paul Ringo II. What a Pope! Anyway, down to brass tacks. We all know that women can’t be priests. The church has spoken. It’s kind of strange for me to base my answer on what the church says, since I am the church! I love screaming that line at people. It’s like Emperor Palpatine sneering “I am the senate!” or Judge Dredd growling “I am the law!” That’s kind of how I see myself, like a combination of Emperor Palpatine and Judge Dredd. I pull all the strings, and am judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Priests can be married, but Bishops must remain celibate. Why? Because I…
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Divine Advice For Chris Davis

Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my…
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Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
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Divine Advice For Jimmy Kimmel

Dear DA, Am I hosting the Oscars? I thought that little black guy was supposed to do it. Ah, some old homophobic tweets turned up, so he’s out and I’m in. Wait a second. I just called him a little black guy. Is that racist? Like bad enough to get me replaced? I’m really kind of unprepared. I wasn’t even sure if they still did the Oscars. It seems like calling whatshisface a little black guy is okay. Kevin Hart. I just looked it up. Like most people, I’m totally reliant on my phone. If my phone told me that Aliens and Predators had invaded and to hide in the forest, I would probably hide in the forest. You can’t get cell reception out there, so I’d never know when it was safe to come out. I really don’t want to do this Oscars thing. You can tell I’m not…
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Divine Advice For Tom Brady 2

Dear DA, Not many people know this about me, but I’ve got a specially-abled twin brother living in my basement. Usually, he’s okay, but sometimes I have to chain him up. He goes really crazy over my wife and gets jealous about other things, too, like the Super Bowl. Honestly, I’m not too bright myself either after all those blows to the head. You ever have one of those days when you forget how to spell the word “cat”? Apparently neither do most people. After all these Super Bowls, my brother Dom Brady is going nuts. He’s demanding that this time, it’s his turn, and my wife actually agrees with him. I don’t think they understand how difficult my job is, and even though we’re identical twins, people are going to be able to tell the difference. Dom hasn’t been out of that basement in almost 20 years, and before…
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