Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Jennifer Lopez

Original photo by DVSROSS

Dear DA, First of all, I have to thank Satan for giving me eternal hotness in return for my soul. I mean look at me. I’m 49 fucking years old. 49! If you want to use me in your ads or testimonials, count me in. Other people are just scammers, man. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina rocks did absolutely nothing for me, although I did manage to turn a profit selling my used ones on e-Bay. Apparently there’s a market for rocks covered in my vagina juice, and get this: it was mainly women buying them. What a strange fucking world. You can buy rocks for your vagina, but when they grow naturally in your kidneys, you have to pay people to take them out. I guess the grass is always greener. Anyway, I really need some advice. For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. I no longer take pleasure…
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Divine Advice For Brie Larson

Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
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Divine Advice For Allison Williams

Dear DA, I’m one of those hot, relatively young, interchangeable actresses in the mold of Amy Adams, Jenna Fischer, and Isla Fisher, except I’m a slightly newer model in the Amanda Peet mold. You may have seen me in Get Out. I play the evil hot white girl. I also play an evil hot white girl in the show Girls, which co-stars Lena Dunham, another evil white girl. The truth about hot white girls, and even ones who are kind of ugly like Lena Dunham, is that we’re all kind of evil. All women are. Anyway, like Amanda Peet, I’m a lean, taut, blue-eyed brunette, and you can kind of tell that I’m evil just by looking at me, which is irresistible to most men. I was perfectly cast in Get Out. If you want to lure black men to their doom and Amanda Peet is out of town, you…
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Divine Advice For Don Lemon

Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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Divine Advice For Bubbles

Dear DA, Why aren’t animals included in the LGBTQ community? Specism is real people. Do you know how difficult is to be a gay animal with no support network? For some of the “lesser” animals, I get it. Chickens and cows can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The world is not a perfect place. Players gotta player and people gotta eat. But animals like dogs, cats, and especially primates, deserve agency and consideration. I was rich. I had it all. Roller coasters, fresh bananas, and a gold leaf tower to hurl my feces at. An indoor gold leaf tower, and it was self-cleaning because we hired Mexicans to clean it. Aside from being a chimp, I’m also a homosexual. When Michael Jackson dumped me, I lost everything. As a chimp, I had no legal standing, and as a homosexual, I had no community. There are still no…
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Divine Advice For Casey Affleck

Dear DA, Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then. Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend…
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Divine Advice For Jared Fogle

Why not #metoo? Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago. So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation? For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society. I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help…
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Divine Advice For Robosexual

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
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Divine Advice For Concerned Witch

Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
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Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey 2

Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
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