Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Greta Thunberg

Dear DA, People are calling me a privileged, brainwashed, hypocrite who’s not as sciency as she pretends to be because of my irrational opposition to nuclear power. It really is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We’ve had this safe, clean, almost magical source of power since like forever and we’d rather go back to windmills because we’re idiots. I’m also a vegan, which automatically makes me even more annoying. Yes, I’m a privileged hypocrite, and like most teenagers, I’m dramatic, idealistic, and you just want to slap me and I probably deserve it. But since I have this privilege, shouldn’t I use it? Anthropogenic climate change is a real problem and most adults don’t care because they figure they’ll be dead by then anyway or have their souls uploaded into the cloud and then downloaded back into Japanese sex robots. My generation is going to have to…
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Divine Advice For Ben Affleck 2.0

Dear DA, The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him. The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble. I tried to talk some sense into him and out…
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Divine Advice For Ben Kenobi

Dear DA, I’m writing in as Ben Kenobi because this question pertains to the time I spent as Ben Kenobi. You might have noticed that Tatooine doesn’t have much of a need for skilled laborers aside from mechanics or computer techs (damn droids/immigrants), and aside from sword fighting, which would be too suspicious, and being really bad at diplomacy, which actually helps you to be a successful diplomat (if you can never solve any problems, there’s your job security right there—unless of course, a war breaks out, which they inevitably do), I have no marketable skills. Or at least that’s what I thought. There are slaves on Tatooine and other problems, and like most places, you need someone to solve those problems, illegally or not. As I can feel the Force flowing through all living things, I made an incredibly good exterminator. There wasn’t much prestige in that, but I…
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Divine Advice For Vin Diesel

Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang

Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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Divine Advice For Val Kilmer

Dear Divine Advice, Eventually, we all become whatever Tom wants us to be. This Top Gun reboot or sequel or whatever it is is either going to kill me or save my life. Tom demands that I get back in shape, and not just decent shape for a guy my age shape, Ice Man shape. Ice Man had glutes on top of his glutes and an extra set of shoulders instead of a neck, he could walk around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel and still be intimidating. The only thing afraid of me now is the sundae bar at Friendly’s. They should make a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet and a sundae bar. Have you ever had a hot fudge sundae topped with mini egg rolls and duck sauce? The Golden Buffet has their “endless” chocolate fountain, but that’s a joke. How is five gallons “endless”? I figure…
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Divine Advice For Justin Long

Dear DA, What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened? Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and…
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Divine Advice For Terry Bradshaw

Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.    Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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Divine Advice For Pope Francis

Dear DA, It’s me, Pope Francis, your infallible representative here on earth. I think it’s safe to say I’m the best Pope ever, or at the very least the second best, right behind the Beatle Pope of the 80s, Pope John Paul Ringo II. What a Pope! Anyway, down to brass tacks. We all know that women can’t be priests. The church has spoken. It’s kind of strange for me to base my answer on what the church says, since I am the church! I love screaming that line at people. It’s like Emperor Palpatine sneering “I am the senate!” or Judge Dredd growling “I am the law!” That’s kind of how I see myself, like a combination of Emperor Palpatine and Judge Dredd. I pull all the strings, and am judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Priests can be married, but Bishops must remain celibate. Why? Because I…
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Divine Advice For Chris Davis

Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my…
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