Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice For Tom Brady

Dear DA, Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys. I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to…
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Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey

Dear DA, Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago. I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like…
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Divine Advice For Kirk Cameron

Dear Jesus and The Devil, First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really…
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Divine Advice For Lindsay Lohan Re: Harvey Weinstein

Dear Jesus and Satan, Something bad happened to my friend Harvey Weinstein and I’m looking for advice on how I can help him. Maybe you saw in the news, but some mean girls have been saying he sexually harassed them and that he groped them and raped them and whatnot. The thing is, he’s really a good guy once you get to know him. Sure sometimes he likes rubbing up against hot girls and maybe touching their boobs and stuff, and yeah, also he takes his dick out a lot, but that’s just Harvey being Harvey. If these ladies didn’t want a bloated Hollywood exec forcing himself on them, they shouldn’t have tried to be movie stars. Maybe they should be secretaries or seamstresses instead. Anyway, so now the media is being really mean to Harvey and he got fired from his company and he’s in all sorts of trouble.…
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Divine Advice For Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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Divine Advice For Annoyed And Worried Witch

Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine advice, I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must…
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Divine Advice For Jennifer Lawrence

Dear DA, My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately. I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me. I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift

Dear DA, I broke my pinky toe, the doctor said it doesn’t need a cast and I can still walk around, no big deal. So I’m walking around my hood and I end up behind a guy with a mangled foot. I can still wear normal shoes, no one can see anything is wrong with me, but I’m limping along behind this guy and people start giving me dirty looks, they think I’m mocking him, so I try to walk normal, but that makes it worse. The guy with the mangled foot turned around and gave me a dirty look and I started crying. My other sin, like most people, I love pornography, but I’m really into feces fights or shit fights. The name of the site is brown ploopy and they always refer to shit as brown ploopy and I love it, it really rubs my nub if you…
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Divine Advice For Oprah Winfrey

Dear DA, I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey? Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging? Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats. Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey If you…
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Divine Advice for Kim Jong-un

Dear Divine Advice, I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Sincerely, Kim Jong-un Dear Kim Jong-un, I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a…
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