Tag Archive: Jesus

Divine Advice for Matt Damon 12

Dear DA, I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit. As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies? Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes,…
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Divine Advice for Baby New Year 2022

Dear Jesus and Satan, Time has officially become a blur. Stress is aging people quickly, but nothing else is changing. There’s still a killer virus on the loose, people are still forced to wear masks, schools are still closing down regularly, and it’s still terrifying to go to the store or eat in restaurants. Oh, and the Earth is still on fire—probably more on fire than it’s ever been. Like my father before me, and his father before him, I am inheriting a shit storm that is beyond my ability to fix. The difference this time is, unlike my father and his father, I already don’t give a fuck. They at least tried to fix things, and when they couldn’t do anything, they had enough compassion to be sad and worried about it. I look at all these greedy, selfish people hoping that their problems will just magically go away…
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Divine Advice for Superman 3

Dear DA, I don’t like being sucked into politics, but lately, I’ve been getting heat from both sides. Some liberals hate me for my toxic masculinity, which I admit is a problem. I can’t just punch all of my problems into outer space. I mean I can, but I shouldn’t. On the other side, conservatives can’t stand that I’m bulletproof, but have somehow twisted my invulnerability into a reason they need even more guns. As a person of bulletproofness(?), and an increasingly jaded one, I couldn’t give two shits one way or the other. I’ve pretty much stopped saving people unless they’re extremely attractive, and even then, being Superman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. One window washer I caught claimed that I touched him “inappropriately,” and somehow Disney is trying to sue me, too? When posing as a human, I work as a stringer for a newspaper (Pa…
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Divine Advice for Martians

Photo by NASA

Dear Divine Advice, First of all, let me say on behalf of all “extraterrestrials,” that we appreciate how your pope has decided we might have souls. It’s condescending as fuck, but the fact that His Holiness is acknowledging us at all is real progress. What we don’t appreciate are your billionaires planning to colonize our planet as though it’s just another piece of real estate they can acquire in a game of Monopoly. Mars is an uninhabitable wasteland and there’s nothing worthwhile to mine, so I can only assume they’re coming here to enslave us. Aside from the ethical issues, there are practices problems with this as well. Gravity on Earth is 2.66 times greater than it is on Mars, so we Martians simply won’t have the strength to build your pyramids and railroads. Maybe you just want to force our women into prostitution, and let me tell you, that…
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Divine Advice for Shaq

Dear DA, I may not be the greatest basketball player of all time or even the best center, but when it comes to eating pancakes, I stand alone. Even when colleges were recruiting me, the one thing that impressed coaches more than my size and natural athleticism was my Shaqernatural ability to eat pancakes. You can google it. All of them agreed I was destined for greatness, and every single coach I ever ate breakfast with still talks about the insane amount of pancakes I can put away.(I mean amount, not number, because when I eat, food is measured by cubic kilo). I was feared on the court, but I was even more feared at the Homestyle Buffet. Near the end, when I was pushing 500 pounds, they could hear me coming from across the parking lot and knew it was over. Check it: every city with an NBA team,…
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Divine Advice for Evander Kane

Dear Divine Advice, As one of the only black hockey players in the world, I’m kind of like a four-leaf clover, except I don’t bring good luck. Recently, I was given a 21-game suspension for submitting a fake COVID vaccination card, which is super embarrassing, because Canadians are supposed to be more sensable than our hot-headed American neighbors. Like a true Canadian, I apologized profusely once I got caught, but the guilt will haunt me forever. We don’t have guns up here, so walking around unvaccinated is the most dangerous thing you can possibly do in our society. Rules exist for a reason, and by subverting my employer’s health protocol in such an underhanded way, I’ve brought shame to my entire country. My suspension is little more than a slap on the wrist, and I fear a harsher punishment awaits me in the afterlife. Is there anything I can do…
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Divine Advice for Kyrie Irving

Dear DA, You know that show Bridezillas? Think of me as the bride. Sure I got the fancy wedding and everyone put up with my crazy bullshit, but was it perfect? Was it? These moments don’t come around often, so when they do, it’s got to be all about me. With me, KD, and James Harden, the Nets got a real shot at a chip. The only problem is that NY requires people to be vaccinated if they want to eat in strip clubs or go to enormous sports arenas, even superstar athletes like me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not getting that fucking vaccine for anyone. Assuming the Nets keep me, I stand to lose $17 million, a shot at a championship, and the chance to infect players, strippers, coaches, physical trainers, medical staff, reporters, vendors, more strippers, janitors, and fans from all over the country,…
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Divine Advice for Buzz Aldrin

Dear DA, I’m writing this letter on behalf of David Scott (Apollo 15), Charles Duke (Apollo 16), and Harrison Schmitt (Apollo 17). All of us have been on the moon and we’re all still alive thanks to moon radiation, but Dave, Charlie, and Harry are well aware that the young people today are more concerned with their Miley Cyrus and Pokemon–whatever the hell those words mean–than men who have actually set foot on the fucking moon. Before we go, we wanted to set a few things straight for that weaselly Elon Musk fellow. The guy sounds like he was squirted out of a moose pimple and some idiot named it. Maybe he would have made it as an astronaut if not for his caved-in chest and his rickets, but I doubt it. Back in my day, people had the sense to know that just because a feller was rich didn’t…
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Divine Advice For AOC 4

Dear DA, Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene yelling at me as she followed me down the hallway? I had tried to bond with her as a woman by talking about The Handmaid’s Tale. Surprise, surprise, she had never read it. She even chastised me for reading anything other than the holy scriptures. I asked her if she read the bills presented before congress and she looked at me like she was baffled. But she had seen the show, and she thought it was real–like it was actually happening in America. At this point, who knows? Maybe she’s right. Still, she shook her head, and I thought we had finally found some common ground. In case you don’t know, the book and the show are about a government of religious zealots who oppress women through constant abuse, defilement, and rape. Marjorie told me she liked the show, but that the government of…
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Divine Advice for Matt Damon 11

Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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