Tag Archive: J.J. Abrams

Divine Advice For Christopher Nolan

Dear DA, It seemed extravagant at the time, but I’m thanking my lucky stars I bought my Dolby home theater when I did. The difference is like watching Pornhub on your phone vs being in an actual whorehouse. You want to hear my famous “BWAANG!” sound the way I intended, it’s the only way to go. We’re all working really hard on Tenet, which may be the last major studio release ever. Of all the things affected by COVID-19, the cinema being shut down has probably hit me the hardest. I’ll be sitting around knackered and think to myself that a nice trip to the cinema would be just the thing, but then I remember the cinema is no longer an option. They’ll reopen for Tenet, for one last gasp as they say, and that’ll be that. Maybe Drive-Ins will make a comeback? My “BWAANG!” sound doesn’t quite come through…
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Divine Advice For George Lucas

Dear DA, A guy sells something for four billion dollars and it’s difficult to have much compassion for him even if he isn’t an asshole, let alone when he bemoans the reality of what he certainly must have seen coming. I sold Star Wars to a rabid, insatiable rodent, so what exactly did I expect? Did I honestly think that they’d follow my creative vision when they gave me four billion dollars specifically so they wouldn’t have to? Believe it or not, I did. That’s just the kind of narcissistic, egomaniac that I am. After all, if Star Wars is a religion (which it most certainly is), I’m the Holy Trinity. When they made The Passion of the Christ, did they shut you out of the creative process? Or just toss the entire bible out the window? Of course not. The Rise of Skywalker is credited to J.J. Abrams, but…
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Divine Advice For Chewbacca

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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Divine Advice For Alden Ehrenreich

Dear Divine Advice, I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do? Sincerely, Alden Ehrenreich Dear Alden Ehrenreich, You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real. I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let…
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Movie Review- Kong: Skull Island

Disclaimer: This website, The Skull Island Times, is in no way affiliated with the film reviewed below. Spoiler alert: King Kong doesn’t die in the end. That should be obvious—unless Kong was a zombie in the original 1933 film. Really, though, nothing is obvious these days. Thanks to directors such as J.J. Abrams, the lines between remake, reboot, prequel and sequel have become so blurred that anything can happen withwhat we once thought was canon. Anyway, rest assured, King Kong doesn’t die in Kong: Skull Island. But he does get amnesia after being bonked in the head by a giant coconut. Until that point in the film, Kong speaks with a British accent and aspires to move to Hollywood so he can become a movie star. However, after losing his smarts in the coconut accident, he only makes it as far as Detroit. This film is set in the 1970’s,…
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Fan Fiction- Alf, Zombie Han Solo and J. J. Abrams Dispose of a Dead Hooker

“Shit, Han, what did you do!” Alf lifts the lifeless girl’s arm and lets it flop onto the floor. Han crawls out from under a pile of cigarette butts on the sweat and cum stained leather sofa. He rubs his pupil-less eyes and wipes cocaine from his brittle nostrils. Upon seeing the dead girl at his feet, he snaps to attention. “Oh, fuck. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He staggers around the corpse to get a good look at her bloody, empty skull. “I guess I must have gotten the munchies in the middle of the night.” “The mini fridge is stocked with cow brains, why didn’t you just eat one of those!” “I don’t know! I was fuckin’ high! I was half asleep! I don’t fuckin’ remember!” Alf stands up and begins pacing their trashed penthouse suite. “Well, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do…
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