Tag Archive: Hillary Clinton

Divine Advice For Bernie Sanders

Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
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Divine Advice For Brie Larson

Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
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Horoscopes for 12.7.18

Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project.   Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic   Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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Divine Advice For Hillary Clinton

Dear Divine Advice, Is it possible that this is the first time I’ve ever written in? I know that my name pops up a lot in your columns, mostly because of the fact that my husband and I are revolting people. We don’t have to go through the list (it’s extensive), but I get it, we really are awful. So, I have a confession to make. Even after losing the Presidential race a couple of years back, I still want to get into the Oval Office. A lot of people assume it’s because I am a power craving egomaniac, which is true, but….here it is, I really just want to fuck a horse. Catherine the Great has always been a great source of inspiration to me, and I’ve always associated great political power with Horse fucking. It’s a little-known secret that every U.S. President …yes, every one, fucks a horse…
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Divine Advice For Rachel Maddow

Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
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Divine Advice for Kim Jong-un

Dear Divine Advice, I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Sincerely, Kim Jong-un Dear Kim Jong-un, I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a…
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