Tag Archive: George Takei

Divine Advice For Richard Simmons

Dear DA, Help me. My entire life I’ve always been myself, as seemingly bewildering and embarrassing as that is. Then I disappear under shady circumstances and people are concerned for all of two seconds, and that’s it. These people have their talons in me, and there’s nothing I can do. I’m literally being imprisoned and robbed from within my own home, and no one cares. Nothing. Crickets. Maybe if I was more popular, or a bigger star, or didn’t wear such creepy short shorts, more people would care about me. If I was a good looking white woman, society wouldn’t stand for this. But a creepy old man with a jew-fro is apparently fair game. This is just like the Gestapo all over again. Please, help me! Sincerely, Richard Simmons Dear Richard Simmons, I’m sorry, but this wallowing in self-pity is beneath you. And it’s completely unfounded. Never in human…
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Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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Divine Advice For Quentin Tarantino

Dear DA, You’re probably aware of the controversy surrounding my latest movie, you being the all-seeing, all-knowing bane of humanity (no offense). Basically, a short scene depicts Bruce Lee acting like an asshole and getting his ass kicked by a lowly stuntman. They’re just aching to call me a racist for it, but they can’t because of Jackie Brown.  Some other people, or probably the same people, are complaining that the women don’t get enough lines. They want to call me a male chauvinist pig, but Jackie Brown comes through again. First of all, this is a fictional movie. Fiction. And it isn’t like I didn’t do my research. Bruce Lee said a lot of arrogant crap about beating up Cassius Clay, and he really did get an attitude adjustment from a stuntman skilled in the martial arts. It isn’t like I portrayed Bruce Lee getting his ass kicked by…
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Divine Advice For Kirk Cameron

Dear Jesus and The Devil, First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really…
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