Tag Archive: Donald Trump

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, As promised, I will speak to all Americans, especially those who didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to start right now. I know that Trump’s election had nothing to do with racism (LMAO), but look on the bright side. For the next four years, you can bash Kamala Harris as much you want, for whatever reason. Most of you won’t say the “N” word at least not in public, but we all know you’re thinking it, and I’m not even sure she’s black. All I know is that she isn’t white, and from what I can tell, that’s good enough for you. Just wait another eight years until AOC is president. She’ll give you healthcare and income equality, or at least she’ll try, but you’ll want to murder her because she’s Mexican. Or Guatemalan? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. We’re back to the status quo bitches! I got…
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Divine Advice For Rudy Giuliani

Dear DA, I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left. From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us. Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024. I hear they…
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Divine Advice For AOC 2

Dear DA, I’ve gotten a lot of criticism for the Green New Deal, apparently from people who haven’t even read it. It’s only 11 pages long, and in a big font, and has lots of bullet points. No paragraph is longer than three or four sentences. I should have included memes about ponies and unicorns. They say I’m crazy, that I don’t understand economics, that what I want to do will bankrupt America, but that just isn’t the case. If you read it, I basically want to make America a developed country again. Clean water, clean power, and affordable healthcare, and they want to crucify me. I know you’ve been crucified, and it doesn’t look good. Other countries have shown us several ways to have better, cheaper healthcare that covers everyone. Really, any other way than ours. I don’t think these people understand just how much a billion dollars is.…
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Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, What the heck is wrong with this country? Did you know that people can still be hung for treason? Not that I’m, um, personally concerned. I’m mean I’m still for the death penalty, obviousy, but what the heck? Hanged? I thought it’d be a prostitute who snaps my neck when I least suspect it, or at least some kind of sex robot or sex drone. Something, you know, more kind of civilized. As far as that fly on my head, I thought it showed my iron will and determination. My doctor told me that I’ve been legally dead for the last three years, but what do those eggheads know about anything? I know this is technically against the “rules,” but do you think you could give me a sneak peek into me and Trump’s preordained 1000 year reich, or, um, rule? I’ll bet they’ll be ice sculptures and…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris 2

Dear DA, Am I seeing and hearing what everyone else is seeing and hearing? What the hell is wrong with this country? Trump gets asked about white nationalists, he tells them to standby, and 40 million Americans still want to vote for him? If Ronald Regan had pulled that shit he would have been out, and that was 40 years ago. I’m not some spring chicken, I’ve been around the block, and I seem to remember a lot of this shit, like the propaganda on FOX News, literally being illegal when I was a kid. But oh no no. We geniuses in congress figured that the American people were stupid, but not that stupid, so why keep a law that’s no longer necessary? We never stopped to consider that maybe this law seemed unnecessary because it was working. It’s like throwing away your fire extinguishers because your house hasn’t been…
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Divine Advice for Hypothetical Friend of Donald Trump

Dear DA, I got this friend, he’s got real problems. Actually, he’s brilliant, and he’s doing great, but you see, I think he got tricked. First Fauci said NO MASKS!, because the first responders needed them, and we didn’t really have any. Then all of the sudden masks are everywhere, and he says WEAR A MASK! What the hell is wrong with this guy? You know I was the one who shut down China? It could have been worse, much much worse, and I don’t even think it’s really this guy’s fault. If that dumb bitch Melania would have just stayed in her dungeon, none of this would have happened, but she had to take a bite of my Fish-O-Filet sandwich. I know it was you, Melania, don’t you lie to me! And she got her dirty China Virus all over it. What has the world come to when even…
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Divine Advice For Kyle Rittenhouse

Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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Divine Advice For Joe the Plumber

Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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Divine Advice For Melania Trump 2

Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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