Tag Archive: Donald Trump

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 3

Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
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Divine Advice For Baby New Year 2021

Original graphic by Dixie Allan

Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo 2

Dear DA, I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore. As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice. I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work. Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old. You ever live in NY? The city? I…
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Divine Advice For AOC 3

Dear DA, Recently, the “Squad” and I got criticized for arguing with Obama over defunding the police. They said we, and especially me, were ranting and raving at him like a bunch of deranged harpies. All I said was that people in poor neighborhoods had been complaining about this for years, and no one listened until the word “defund” came into play. I like Obama, and he didn’t have a problem with the discussion or criticism. He used to ask for it. But the Trump supporters did. Anyway, he grew up in Hawai’i, or according to them, Kenya, and I lived in the Bronx. A relatively nice part of the Bronx, but still the Bronx. It’s the part of NYC most people only visit to watch the Yankees, and they generally stay within one block of the stadium. Because the cops care about the Yankees. As far as the rest…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 2

Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, As promised, I will speak to all Americans, especially those who didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to start right now. I know that Trump’s election had nothing to do with racism (LMAO), but look on the bright side. For the next four years, you can bash Kamala Harris as much you want, for whatever reason. Most of you won’t say the “N” word at least not in public, but we all know you’re thinking it, and I’m not even sure she’s black. All I know is that she isn’t white, and from what I can tell, that’s good enough for you. Just wait another eight years until AOC is president. She’ll give you healthcare and income equality, or at least she’ll try, but you’ll want to murder her because she’s Mexican. Or Guatemalan? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. We’re back to the status quo bitches! I got…
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Divine Advice For Rudy Guilliani

Dear DA, I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left. From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us. Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024. I hear they…
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Divine Advice For AOC 2

Dear DA, I’ve gotten a lot of criticism for the Green New Deal, apparently from people who haven’t even read it. It’s only 11 pages long, and in a big font, and has lots of bullet points. No paragraph is longer than three or four sentences. I should have included memes about ponies and unicorns. They say I’m crazy, that I don’t understand economics, that what I want to do will bankrupt America, but that just isn’t the case. If you read it, I basically want to make America a developed country again. Clean water, clean power, and affordable healthcare, and they want to crucify me. I know you’ve been crucified, and it doesn’t look good. Other countries have shown us several ways to have better, cheaper healthcare that covers everyone. Really, any other way than ours. I don’t think these people understand just how much a billion dollars is.…
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Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, What the heck is wrong with this country? Did you know that people can still be hung for treason? Not that I’m, um, personally concerned. I’m mean I’m still for the death penalty, obviousy, but what the heck? Hanged? I thought it’d be a prostitute who snaps my neck when I least suspect it, or at least some kind of sex robot or sex drone. Something, you know, more kind of civilized. As far as that fly on my head, I thought it showed my iron will and determination. My doctor told me that I’ve been legally dead for the last three years, but what do those eggheads know about anything? I know this is technically against the “rules,” but do you think you could give me a sneak peek into me and Trump’s preordained 1000 year reich, or, um, rule? I’ll bet they’ll be ice sculptures and…
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