Tag Archive: Donald Trump

Divine Advice For Kyle Rittenhouse

Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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Divine Advice For Joe the Plumber

Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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Divine Advice For Melania Trump 2

Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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Divine Advice For Timothy Harleth

Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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Divine Advice For Kayleigh McEnany

Dear DA, I know that we’ve had our differences, but you’ve got to admit that you were impressed when I said, with a straight face, that Trump “is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats that we face.” Technically, Trump is one of the biggest threats we face, so you could argue that I was actually telling the truth since Trump knows himself better than anyone, but you’d be wrong. The only test of self-awareness Trump passed was the mirror test, and he yelled at the mirror that it was fake news. The way he is on TV isn’t an act, and all of the worst things you’ve heard about him are absolutely true. He tries to grope me every day, and he keeps calling me Ivanka and accusing me of being a fickle tease. I understand that the conspiracy theories of willfully ignorant…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden 2

Original photo by David Lienemann

Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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Divine Advice For Bill Ford

Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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Divine Advice For Judy Mikovits

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m considered by “many” to be one of the most accomplished scientists of my generation. Yes, I was arrested for stealing lab equipment, but it’s a much better story to say I was arrested for undermining our corrupt institutions by telling the truth about vaccines. And that truth, of course, is vaccines are made from donkey jizz and they cause autism and turn people into draculas and probably do a bunch of other bad stuff, too. Our own government (or the Chinese government or aliens or whoever makes the most compelling scapegoat) created this plandemic known as COVID-19 (or the China virus or the Kung Flu or whatever name stirs up the most controversy) as a way to control us and keep us from getting the life-saving haircuts we so desperately need. I’ve done the best I can to educate the world through Youtube videos and…
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Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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