Tag Archive: Donald Trump

Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo

Dear DA, It’s been brought up before and no one took it seriously, but it’s time for NY to secede. I’ve been lauded lately for telling the truth and speaking to the citizens of NY like they’re adults, and while I appreciate it, the 13-year-old girl who lives inside of me (she lives inside all of us) is like what, really? The bar is, like, really that low? Even CNN and the NY Times gush over Trump every time he manages not to shit himself or comes across as somewhat coherent. Basically, any time he comports himself as well as an average child, he’s finally “presidential.” And his approval ratings are going up. All those hicks in the sticks, who are supposedly against the federal government redistributing taxes, you know what? I’m starting to agree with them. I’m tired of NY paying for roads and schools in Alabama and Oklahoma…
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Divine Advice For Mitch McConnell 2

Dear DA, I look like a bald ferret with no chin, and have a personality to match! I’m well aware that I’m going to hell, but maybe we can make a deal? What I can do, every bill from now on, I’ll keep adding slush funds for you. I know it didn’t make it this time, but it usually does. America is the best. A first world country that pays third world wages. And when the going gets tough, it’s every man for himself. It’s like that all the time actually, I get mine and you go fuck yourself, but especially during a crisis. What I want from you, in return for those slush funds, is to give Trump back his supporters. They’ve been strangely quiet. It’s almost as if this entire COVID-19 thing forced them to face reality, and maybe even question their core beliefs. If you think this…
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Divine Advice For Tulsi Gabbard

Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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Divine Advice For Donald Trump

Dear DA, Man. The most dangerous animal. The most dangerous animal of all is a man with nothing to lose. And this is how I’m Making America Great Again. We will be a dangerous nation of men with nothing left to lose. Like Rambo, except robots. I can’t stress this enough: all of the actual fighting will be done by robots. I call them Rambots. They’re good people, these Rambots. Some of them are rapists and murderers, but most of them, I assume, are fine people. Or Rambots. I’ve hunted men before. Or more accurately, the female version of men. I believe the scientific term for them is “bimbos.” And if that’s not politically correct, you can blame it on those creepy egghead scientists. Half of them have never gotten laid in their lives. Probably all of them. They’re too busy looking up at the climate. They wouldn’t know a…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang

Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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Divine Advice for NASCAR President Mike Helton

Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
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Divine Advice For Joe Biden

Dear DA, I know I’m old and tired and not very “woke,” but I’m probably about as good as it’s going to get for the American people right now, so I’m throwing my hat into the ring or the election or whatever the hell it is. What I mean to say is that I’m running for president, and I think I have decent shot. They way I see it, after a black guy like Obama, having a woman right after him was just too much. They, or I guess, “we,” needed a sleazy, crazy, old white guy to restore the balance of whatever the hell defines this country. Beer, guns, lesbians, I don’t know. I’m old. And that’s kind of the point. Most of us living today are used to old white guys being president, just one old white fart after another, year after year, decade after decade. It barely…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump

Dear DA, This scandal with rich actors buying their kids’ ways into college, I think it’s just shameful. The thought of these kids getting into schools they don’t deserve to, and then getting better jobs they don’t deserve afterwards, and then doing the same for their kids, and on and on it goes, from one spoiled generation to the next, each one more out of touch with reality than the last, protected from the “normals” by the gilded walls of their gated communities, it just makes me want to spit venom with rage. The people I feel most sorry for are the children. How will these kids ever know if they earned anything based on their own merit, or whether daddy or mommy just greased the wheels for them? As the smoking hot daughter of a billionaire, I know I earned everything the hard way, through good old-fashioned grit and…
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Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
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Divine Advice For Democrats Running For President

Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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